Argh! The “Holidaze” are here! HELP!

Wake up, people!

What are you waiting for?

Get your overcoats on! It’s time to go Hanukkah/Christmas Shopping!

Grab it now, before it all ends up in “Layaway!”

If you call yourself a p-p-p-patriot, you’d better get up off your sorry butt and do something to save the America Economy!

So get out there and heat up those credit cards!

And at night, when you’re dog-tired from fighting the masses, trying to get “just the right anatomically correct Barbie Doll” for that niece (or even that nephew in San Francisco)…

… you can sit by the fire and ponder a whole new set of “seemingly improbable” (if you’ve been reading the WSJ) events like:

• A virgin birth, and…
• Some people rising from the dead, and…
• How some fat old man can bring presents to every child on the planet in one night without ever being seen, and…
• Why it is our duty as Americans to spend more than we can afford on presents for people that often don’t appreciate them, so that…
• Multi-National conglomerates can pay obscene bonuses to people who never even begin to deserve them, while in order to pay for them… American taxpayers take it up the… um… er… never mind…
• While our newly elected President gets the Nobel Peace Prize for surviving 14 days of the Presidency…

Oy… I’m getting a headache already…

And the people say…

Amen.

My thanks to Julia B. who unknowingly contributed to this post… 😉

It’s Official: U.S. Leads World in Wind Energy

The United States has taken over from previous champion Germany…

…in wind power production. For this honor, the USA has only to give thanks to nature and human resourcefulness.

Nature has gifted the USA with much stronger winds than Germany.

Providence (or inbreeding) has gifted the US with an overabundance of  “political poltroons bent on public stupidity.”

Hence… all the hot air!

Why? Because we have more politicians, that’s why! Aren’t you paying attention? Do I have to use CRAYONS here? Argh!

Apparently, somebody at the American Wind Energy Association (probably in the mail room), said that in the US, wind energy capacity is growing faster than anyplace else.

I can only assume it’s because this “expert” gets first crack at all the donation solicitations being sent from Washington DC.

But if we try to view those stats differently, Germany harnesses seven percent of their power from wind and Denmark generates twenty percent of power from wind.

Hmmm… Which means it may not only by due to political hot air after all. It might be something else… I know! Maybe it’s the beer! I mean, they drink in Germany, but I’ve been to Denmark, and THEY really know how to “slam a stout,” let me tell you…

Per capita these Danish Pilsner-Swillers can drink you under a table faster than you can say; “Obama is yo mama!”

Strangely enough… Wind energy only constitutes 1.2% of total power consumption in America.

I think it’s because it’s spread out over more square mileage…

The American Wind Energy Association also estimates that by the end of the year 2012, some 7,500MW of wind energy will be brought online in America.

Why? Because it’s the next “Election year…” duh! There will be enough hot air floating around to make the warm Santana Winds that sweep in off the desert look like a defective hairdryer!

And due to the economy taking more tumbles than Mary Lou Retton, layoffs will be at an alltime high. This will lead to more consumption of that blessed brew (and we ain’t talking “mountain grown Folgers,” either!) and the creation of even more warm expelled gases.

Man, I’d like to give Mary Lou Retton a tumble or two… Wait… I think that I married her clone! I mean… my wife looks kinda like her… She’s short, and really flexible, she has that “Mary Lou dark hair thing goin’,  and she can “go acrobatic on yer butt…” wait… my wife has much bigger boobs… and she’s really violent… not “sports-minded at all,” not even a little bit… and come to think of it, I’ve never seen her in a leotard… never mind…

Though the wind industry, “strengthened” (now there’s a laugh) by the Stimulus Bill,  will try to absorb the shock of all this “wind…” once gain, the ultimate brunt will be borne by the American consumer.

So, buy your gas masks while you can! We have them in several designer colors, and one size fits all! Don’t delay! Act Now! Limit of three to a customer! We accept Gold, Silver, and “favors…” But none of that “devalued green folding stuff.” That sh@t is worthless! Not even the Europeans will take it!

Obama wants to double U.S. alternative energy output over three years.

And you know what THAT means… Experts are already saying that because of the Stimulus Bill, American Government will have to increase in size, just to support it! Talk about “Hot Air!” I just hope it doesn’t blow us out of orbit!

Talk about Global Climate Change! We’ll probably end up out there by… say it with me; “Uranus!”

Oh, stop groaning… You laughed! Admit it! Okay, don’t! I don’t care… 🙂

It’s clear that the Congress must put clean energy solutions into its top agenda because the unemployment rate is already at a 20-year high and the economy needs a push in the right direction (and we’re not talking about “pants propulsion” here, folks!). Wind power projects can generate jobs and at the same time they can reduce America’s dependence on foreign sources of power generation.

As long as we don’t run out of bottle openers, beer taps, or band-aids for those pesky “twist off cap” injuries!

Now the ball is in the legislatures’ court.

Get your Congressman to expel some of that hot air for a worthy cause! You can make a difference!

PS: Your mileage may vary. Offers do not include destination taxes, prep charges, depth charges, shape charges, or anything resembling personal defense equipment. Don’t run with scissors, talk to strangers, or eat Halloween candy without inspection. Drink your milk, eat your vegetables, and a good stiff belt of Scotch will cure nearly anything that ails you. If illness or irritability continues, increase dosage. I am not a doctor, I just play on on TV and in the garage…

Inauguration Madness

Join us, won’t you…

For another exciting episode of;

Now, I know that you guys have heard the rumor, started by the likes of Pat Robertson, that aside from being spawned under a rock, in Richard Nixon’s Western White House garden, I’m also illiterate, and don’t read too good, either…

But…

Chicago Sun-Times columnist Mary Mitchell reports that among the guests at Barack Obama’s inauguration may be three boys from Los Angeles County, California, who broke into a house and beat up the old lady inside. Doctors said that the “old lady” was beaten so severely, that authorities feared she might suffer permanent brain damage.

No, I’m not kidding. This has actually been verified, through “reliable sources.”

The little bastards… um… er… perps are inmates at Camp Afflerbaugh in LaVerne, Calif., a program for juvenile offenders that aims “to reunify the minor and family, to reintegrate the minor into the community and to assist the minor in achieving a productive, crime free life.”

In other words, it’s a summer camp for under-aged felons, who aren’t old enough to be sent to prison, where they belong.

An Afflerbaugh employee tells Mitchell, in the columnist’s words, “that on Thursday, the minors were taken to be measured for tuxedos and that a judge has approved the trip”:

That same employee was heard to exclaim; “Merry Christmas to all, and to all…” Wait… that’s not it… “I can’t believe that they would do that for three criminals who assaulted an old lady in her home!”

What in the hell is Obama thinking?

These “youth boot camps” are usually run by hard-nosed jarheads who love to entertain the troops, while they bludgeon them into shape. I can just hear the exercise chants now…

“Kill your neighbors, harm your friend,  you’ll get to the White House in the end…”

Of all the kids Obama’s people could have chosen to help celebrate Obama’s inauguration, they choose three street thugs who tried to kill a senior citizen during a home invasion robbery. What the hell is this world coming to?

(Picture lexinator shaking his head…)

And for the curious, or the Republicans, among you… this isn’t an “Obama” thing, it’s a “stupidity” thing…

“The times, they are a changin…” Christmas!

Remember way back when, when you were a kid, and “Santa’s Appearance” loomed large in your tiny little sugar fueled cranium? Well, do ya, punk?

I remember wanting a bike, a new telescope, and something that didn’t resemble my mother’s cooking… anything. That woman couldn’t cook her way out of a paper bag!

But folks, times are changing faster than you can say “Obama’s yo mama!”

Kids just aren’t the same anymore. They used to want GI Joe’s, and Hot Wheels, and (gasp!) puppies. Now, they want guns, bombs, and weapons of mass destruction.

And this means that even the Christmas Carols must change…

“All I want for Christmas is my blued front peep (sight)…”

And to think I can remember when Santa didn’t even approve of Red Rider BB Guns because, “You’ll shoot your eye out.”

But fear not! Help is on the way! (Courtesy of the St. Louis Dispatch!)

Happy Hunting, you little bastards! Oy Vay!

Gotta go now, Rudolph needs basting…

Ho-ho-ho!

I want THIS for Christmas!

Last night, as visions of bailouts danced in my head, like mutated Ford shaped sugarplums, I started thinking that, at the rate things are going, we may never have a new American-made car in the driveway again! The US Automakers claim they’re going broke, and they want billions of taxpayer bucks so that they can continue building the same old shoddy, over-priced products that got them into this predicament in the first place!

My 1990 GMC pickup may be old, but I got it free because some relative died, and I’m pretty sure it could take whatever rolled off the Detroit assembly lines this year in a demolition derby.

Buddy, I’ve seen your truck!  It looks like it’s already BEEN in a demolition derby. I’m surprised the cops let you drive that death-trap around town! LOL!

Now, I know you’re gasping at my seemingly un-American position here, but think about it for a minute. I admit, I love American cars. Nothing is finer than a million horsepower, wrapped in Detroit steel, with Pink Floyd blaring in the background!

But… many “other” companies build cars here, now. And they’re NOT going broke. In fact, some of them are making pretty good cash. And, they’re building pretty good cars, too.

They’re broke because their managers didn’t have the balls to stand up to the UAW.  Damn Yankees.  You should also take notice that the car companies that are doing fine are located in the South.

Of course the successful car companies are located in the south! That’s where all the baling wire, and empty beer cans are! Duh!

So, I turned on the news this morning, only to find out that the Automakers had returned to Washington DC, looking for an even bigger handout than before. You’d think that after they got their asses handed to them for flying into DC in private jets, and then being delivered to the doorstep by limousine, they’d have put on beggar’s clothing, and settled for whatever the powers that be would toss in their direction.

I think they were taking turns under the Committee’s table.  Since they still haven’t been paid, they obviously weren’t very good.

TMI! TMI! I guess that explains that old rumor; “Nothing sucks like being a politician…” And now I understand all those “intern/page” stories coming out of DC… LOL!

You’d think that, but you’d be wrong! As I sat there shaking my head in my “bailout induced stupor,” my wife reminded me that once again, the kid had consumed all the milk in the house. So, although deeply troubled by the economic state of the union, I headed out, eager to make the Walton clan even richer… before the baby started crying.

I just got a $1,500 bill for getting my tractor back in working order, so where’s my Government money!?  I need it more than the damn auto companies, and if you don’t believe me just try loading a 5′ x 5′ bail of hay by hand.

Hey, a knuckle-dragger like you shouldn’t have any trouble toting a decent sized hay bale around. Don’t you get bailouts in the form of “farm subsidies” for that kinda stuff? I mean, aren’t farmers rich?

So, I spent the morning watching kids run through the aisles of WalMart, screaming like little demons;

“I want this! I want that!”

Ah, those were the days…

When you get older, it’s harder to figure out what you really want, and buying gifts for that “special someone” get trickier. After all, nothing sucks more gas than a Christmas Stocking filled with odor-eater athletic socks… lemme tell you!

It’s not harder when you’re older, unless you take the right pills.

I’d say it’s also easier to know what you really want as the years pile up – TO BE YOUNGER!

Okay, so correct me if I’m seeing this wrong. You’re saying we should wish to be younger, and be on medication? I already did that, in the 70’s! I miss the 70’s…

Speaking of “sucking gas…”

Here’s a lil sucker I’d love to see in my stocking, come Christmas morning!  The Acrea Zest is a little plastic car available in Europe.

It’s made of PLASTIC! No kidding!

And those who drive it deserve to die.

No, they deserve to zoom around thumbing their noses at the rest of the smog-belching traffic. Oh wait… then they’d be FRENCH. Never mind…

It has no top at all, and the floors are drilled out to allow the rain (and probably “passenger pee-pee,” from fright!) to pass right through, onto the pavement…

And that works great in Memphis, for at least 5 days a year.  Beyond that it’s either too hot or too cold to drive a topless car.  Besides, that tiny thing couldn’t possibly carry a powerful enough sound system to let you hear the music over the wind noise.

So get a jacket, a tank top, or an iPod, you dolt! You can do it… I know you can! And, you’d  have all that extra money, to keep that money-pit of a tractor of yours running…

Now, I’m not sure how environmentalists are gonna feel about using your car to distribute your body fluids throughout the neighborhood, on your way home from a night of drinking beer and playing darts with the boys, but…

According to press releases, this lil beauty is built out of recycled plastic. You know, like empty 2 liter bottles of soda, water, and booze… so it’s environmentally friendly. So, this baby weighs about 1/3 that of a “typical” vehicle. Because it’s so light, it has a tiny little gas engine that gets 66 miles per gallon, and has a top speed of 65+ miles per hour. It’s built “symmetrically,” so it can also do over 60 MPH in reverse!

This is SWEET! They go for around $16,400 (US), and I think I want one for Christmas! What can I say? I admit it… Even though I’m Jewish, I “double-dip.”

Are you listening, Santa? HELLO?

Just like you Jews – always trying to double up.

Don’t be hatin’! You’re just jealous because we know a good thing when we see it…

Okay… Maybe not. The last time I did 60 MPH in a plastic vehicle, my jackass of a father was dragging me behind his pickup truck in my wagon. While I screamed like a little girl, he hollered that it was “to teach me a life lesson.”

I’m still not positive what that “lesson” actually was, but I suspect that it had something to do with the dangers of dragging a little kid behind your truck at 60 MPH after you’ve been drinking scotch all morning. All I know is that I’m still picking the gravel out of my knees!

Thanks dad… You Bastard!

Come on!  Your dad was cool!  Mine never spent any quality time with me at all, and his idea of a wild time was having half a beer with supper.  Give me the wagon pull any day.

And I happen to know that Mister Manly has enough empty plastic Scotch bottles in his backyard, to build a fleet of these. So Santa, if you run outta material… LOL!

Damn straight and growing daily!  And I will gladly trade them to the Big Three in equal exchange for full bottles.  Oh, and blow jobs for my gay friends.

Exactly how many gay friends do you have? After all, those billions the Big Three are trying to panhandle would equal how many blow-jobs? I’m not sure that there are that many gay men in America! Better buy them some chapstick, too!

And they do too come with tops!  There’s a hardtop model, a soft-top model, and even a topless… um… er… never mind. And there’s even a “camouflage” version. Admit it, you know you want one,  if only to zoom around and scare your livestock!

And, I suspect that if GM had built a few of these babies, they wouldn’t be broke...

Perhaps, but they would be in court.

Madonna’s new show?!

By Rebecca Brody 13:00, August 26th 2008

Madonna’s Political Beliefs – Part Of Her Own Show

Madonna proved once again that sparking controversy is definitely her thing.

Apparently, anything that “sparkles” is her thing. She’s a materialistic skank! Don’t you listen to her “music?”

No.  I pay good money to a protection agency to keep that noise away from me.  A large man in a dark suit follows me around and, at the first note of any Madonna song, he slaps a headset on me playing a random heavy metal number at peak volume.  He’s quite good at it.  So far I’ve only heard two consecutive notes of her “music.”

Is this that same loon that illegally “adopted” an “orphan” kid who already had a dad? Uh-oh…

That’s just plain scary!

Damn straight!  God, it looks like she could squeeze your dick off without working up a sweat.

I’d point out that it also looks like she’d enjoy it.

“The Undead” are like that. “Child-Stealing Undead” are much worse!

Relax! Her vagina has been pounded more than bread dough! It’ll be okay… But I suggest you wear a blindfold! And protection. Don’t forget protection. I suggest the “Third Marines.”

However, the Material Girl did not count on sex or religious issues this time, as she preferred to turn to politics.

Hell, she’s already pissed off the Catholics and the Jews! Who was left? The Scientologists?

I thought she was a Scientologist.

Nah, she was just scheming on Tom Ooze… um… er… Cruise.

You shouldn’t piss off “Jews.” They can hold a grudge for thousands of years, lemme tell you…

She is a Jew.

No, she isn’t a Jew. She was only foolin… to get attention.

Naw.  She’s into Kabbalah, so that makes her a Kabbalahwallaist.

Same thing, except crazy.

Are you implying that Kabbalists are “crazy?” Okay, that’s it. I’m putting you on “my list…”

Notwithstanding the fact that celebrities and political matters don’t really have common ground, the pop icon kicked off her Sticky & Sweet world tour on Saturday night lashing out at Senator John McCain.

More like the “Skanky and Stinky” tour. And she wasn’t exactly “lashing out,” she was thousands of miles away, using the Atlantic Ocean to hide behind.

She’s bigger than the Atlantic Ocean.  After all the times she’s been banged …

TMI! TMI! Ewwww!

Don’t even go there, and if you just must, use a condom.

Use two.  That’ll help with your little problem.

Forget that! Just use a telephone! You shouldn’t be in the same room with that skank!

And we’re sorry to hear about your “little problem.” Just remember,  “it ain’t the size of the boat, it’s the motion in the ocean!” So, what’s your “dinghy’s” name? Hmmm?

So, when it comes to Madonna, don’t; “Just Say NO!” Say; “Not Just NO!, But OH HELL NO!” Am I Right?

That surely drew some attention, I’d say.

Only from those kiss-ass brown-nosers at the tabloid media!

Well, the Grand Canyon draws a lot of attention too.

Similar sized “canyons” too…

I went to the Grand Canyon on vacation last year. That explains the smell, I thought it was the donkeys…

During her four-act show which took place in Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, Wales, Madonna chose to display a couple of political montages while performing “Get Stupid.”

More like “the three ringed circus…” And who better to perform “Get Stupid?” It was probably autobiographical.

Seriously, you can’t expect someone with her reputation to get shorty.

Are you sure? What was your “dinghy’s” name, again?

The much talked about video interlude included a sequence of images bringing together shocking representations of destruction and global warming on the one hand, and Nazi leader Adolf Hitler, Zimbabwe’s dictator Robert Mugabe and Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential candidate, on the other hand.

Yeah, what says “It’s hard being the President” better than pointing out all the evil bastards you face on a daily basis, as the ruler of the free world? She left out Sadaam Hussein, and Osama Bin Laden, though… Drat!

That was for tax purposes.  She’s dating them, so using their images would mean she’d have to cut them in on the royalties and pay their Social Security and health care.

Ah, I hate to break this to you but, SADAAM IS DEAD!

Of course he is, but Madonna has always had, well, rather odd taste in men.

Yeah!  She likes them stiff.

I’ve always known that Madonna was one of the “Undead.” So, it shouldn’t make a difference as long as they’re “stiff.”  Right?

Nevertheless, Madonna didn’t stop here. Another montage played later on in the show depicted slain Beatle John Lennon, environmental activist Al Gore, Mahatma Gandhi and alleged Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama all together.

And, again, another brilliant illustration! Madonna is a genius! She’s obviously demonstrating that Democrats are whining cry-babies who line their pockets with every “get rich” and ” global warming” scheme they can think of… And they do this, while wishing they were Gandhi! Because Gandhi didn’t pay income tax!

Were they singing “Kumbaya?”

Nope. I heard it was “Hakuna-Matata!” from “Lion King.”

That wasn’t very obvious, was it, Madonna? More than 40,000 fans were present at the singer’s show and, ready or not, they found out whose side Madonna was on.

She’s on “her” backside. Just ask A-Rod.

I heard they gave away free beer. Nothing attracts the Welsh, like free beer! See? Not even bad music will keep them away!

You’d think the beer would go bad by the end of the first song.

The Welsh don’t care. Ever eaten English food? It could be “bad,” and you’d never know it. It always tastes like that! Blah!

Obviously, John McCain’s people were not at all pleased with the superstar’s little games, finding the links offensive. “The comparisons are outrageous, unacceptable and crudely divisive all at the same time. It clearly shows that when it comes to supporting Barack Obama, his fellow worldwide celebrities refuse to consider any smear or attack off limits,” the senator’s spokesman Tucker Bounds said, as quoted by Fox News.

I think they give her too much credit. I think she was just manipulating the press to get some attention. I mean, really.  She’s become the poster child for “Man, I may be rich, but there isn’t enough money in the world to cure this much ugly.”

I don’t see the problem with being compared to Hitler.  Sure, after the syphilis and the drugs got to him, he turned into a real prick, but having a McHitler for President would sure make the Russians sing a different tune.  Really, Pootin will have President Obama kissing his KGB ass within a month.

In addition to this, the controversial comments went even further: “It’s a disappointing and vulgar attack on John McCain, who has devoted his life to the cause of freedom and the fight against tyranny,” Taylor Griffin, another spokesperson for the Republican said, according to the Los Angeles Times.

Well, to be fair, Taylor does get paid to say stuff like that.  But evidently, he’s got McCain confused with Batman… I bet Stan Lee sues him!

They should hire Peter Griffin.

The 50-year-old singer is known for her contentious and divisive shows, as she constantly uses disturbing videos or language in her concerts. For instance, she used images that offended the Catholic Church a few years ago and, on her last tour, she displayed Kabbalah images, thus upsetting Jews.

And don’t think she’s gonna get away with it, “zol dir platsn di gal!” Revenge is a dish best served “Ice Cold.”

Wait! That’s “Jewspeak” for; “May her gall bladder burst!” Right?

I seem to recall that she lost her gall bladder during a photo shoot for “Sex.”  She still has at least one kidney left, if you want to reword the curse.

That wasn’t her gall bladder, it was her diaphragm shooting out of her crotch! But, It’s in a lower orbit now, so don’t worry. NASA says it’ll probably burn up on re-entry…

Moreover, Madonna was involved in a verbal quarrel with renowned musician Elton John, who claimed that Guy Ritchie’s spouse lip-synched to music recordings while performing her so-called live acts. However, the star said that some of the yoga moves she made on stage were an impediment to live singing, giving Elton John the chance to say that fans did not pay to learn yoga, but to attend a singing concert.

And who knows more about music than the “King of Queens?” Huh? Go Elvis… er… um… Sir Elton!

Hey, I’d spend $150 to see a scantily clad, geriatric skant perfoming yoga, to a stinky beat… Wait, no I wouldn’t.

Her yoga moves are an impediment to my appetite.  God, I’ll never be able to eat fish again!

Man, this is better than Jenny Craig! Think of the weight we’ll lose! That means we can drink more beer!

Madonna’s latest show was split into four different parts: “gangsta pimp, rave, gypsy and old school.” Her stage outfits were selected from the 3,500 items of clothing reportedly created by 36 designers exclusively for the pop icon’s world tour.

That just goes to show you what lengths you have to go to, to try and look “presentable” when you’re “Madonna.”

Another bit of trivia is that she had to hire a full time accountant for the show, to make sure she consistently counted to 4 correctly.

And I heard that she still got it wrong! The accountant must have been a “Gentile.”

She is expected to perform in more than 50 locations, including 16 stages in Europe. The Sticky & Sweet Tour continues through Europe until the end of September and debuts in the United States on October 4 in New Jersey.

They’re really going to let her back in!?  Something tells me we’re going to regret this decision.

So, by the time she gets here, the “Sticky and Sweet” tour will have gone rancid. It’s Madonna, no one will be able to tell the difference.

Madonna is scheduled to perform in San Diego on November 4, Election Day.

“Marge! Get the rifle, and the hollow-points… We’re going hunting…”

Now, now!  None of that!  If you run around shooting all the skank celebrities we won’t have anything to write about.

Maybe not, but my side job as a “tombstone carver” is looking up! I’ll make her marker look like labia! That way, it won’t even need any name on it!

Can’t we just “wing” her a little bit? It’s not like anybody would know… She’s always on her back!