Tag Archives: Commentary

Argh! The “Holidaze” are here! HELP!

Wake up, people!

What are you waiting for?

Get your overcoats on! It’s time to go Hanukkah/Christmas Shopping!

Grab it now, before it all ends up in “Layaway!”

If you call yourself a p-p-p-patriot, you’d better get up off your sorry butt and do something to save the America Economy!

So get out there and heat up those credit cards!

And at night, when you’re dog-tired from fighting the masses, trying to get “just the right anatomically correct Barbie Doll” for that niece (or even that nephew in San Francisco)…

barbie-2009

… you can sit by the fire and ponder a whole new set of “seemingly improbable” (if you’ve been reading the WSJ) events like:

  • A virgin birth, and…
  • Some people rising from the dead, and…
  • How some fat old man can bring presents to every child on the planet in one night without ever being seen, and…
  • Why it is our duty as Americans to spend more than we can afford on presents for people that often don’t appreciate them, so that…
  • Multi-National conglomerates can pay obscene bonuses to people who never even begin to deserve them, while in order to pay for them… American taxpayers take it up the… um… er… never mind…
  • While our newly elected President gets the Nobel Peace Prize for surviving 14 days of the Presidency…

Oy… I’m getting a headache already…

    And the people say…

    Amen.

    the-lexinator

    My thanks to Julia B. who unknowingly contributed to this post… ūüėČ
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    It’s Official: U.S. Leads World in Wind Energy

    The United States has taken over from previous champion Germany…

    …in wind power production. For this honor, the USA has only to give thanks to nature and human resourcefulness.

    Nature has gifted the USA with much stronger winds than Germany.

    Providence (or inbreeding) has gifted the US with an overabundance of¬† “political poltroons bent on public stupidity.”

    Hence… all the hot air!

    Why? Because we have more politicians, that’s why! Aren’t you paying attention? Do I have to use CRAYONS here? Argh!

    Apparently, somebody at the American Wind Energy Association (probably in the mail room), said that in the US, wind energy capacity is growing faster than anyplace else.

    I can only assume it’s because this “expert” gets first crack at all the donation solicitations being sent from Washington DC.

    But if we try to view those stats differently, Germany harnesses seven percent of their power from wind and Denmark generates twenty percent of power from wind.

    Hmmm… Which means it may not only by due to political hot air after all. It might be something else… I know! Maybe it’s the beer! I mean, they drink in Germany, but I’ve been to Denmark, and THEY really know how to “slam a stout,” let me tell you…

    Per capita these Danish Pilsner-Swillers can drink you under a table faster than you can say; “Obama is yo mama!”

    Strangely enough… Wind energy only constitutes 1.2% of total power consumption in America.

    I think it’s because it’s spread out over more square mileage…

    The American Wind Energy Association also estimates that by the end of the year 2012, some 7,500MW of wind energy will be brought online in America.

    Why? Because it’s the next “Election year…” duh! There will be enough hot air floating around to make the warm Santana Winds that sweep in off the desert look like a defective hairdryer!

    And due to the economy taking more tumbles than Mary Lou Retton, layoffs will be at an alltime high. This will lead to more consumption of that blessed brew (and we ain’t talking “mountain grown Folgers,” either!) and the creation of even more warm expelled gases.

    6801201P MARY LOU RETTON

    Man, I’d like to give Mary Lou Retton a tumble or two… Wait… I think that I married her clone! I mean… my wife looks kinda like her… She’s short, and really flexible, she has that “Mary Lou dark hair thing goin’,¬† and she can “go acrobatic on yer butt…” wait… my wife has much bigger boobs… and she’s really violent… not “sports-minded at all,” not even a little bit… and come to think of it, I’ve never seen her in a leotard… never mind…

    Though the wind industry, “strengthened” (now there’s a laugh) by the Stimulus Bill,¬† will try to absorb the shock of all this “wind…” once gain, the ultimate brunt will be borne by the American consumer.

    So, buy your gas masks while you can! We have them in several designer colors, and one size fits all! Don’t delay! Act Now! Limit of three to a customer! We accept Gold, Silver, and “favors…” But none of that “devalued green folding stuff.” That sh@t is worthless! Not even the Europeans will take it!

    gas-masks1Obama wants to double U.S. alternative energy output over three years.

    And you know what THAT means… Experts are already saying that because of the Stimulus Bill, American Government will have to increase in size, just to support it! Talk about “Hot Air!” I just hope it doesn’t blow us out of orbit!

    Talk about Global Climate Change! We’ll probably end up out there by… say it with me; “Uranus!”

    Oh, stop groaning… You laughed! Admit it! Okay, don’t! I don’t care… ūüôā

    It’s clear that the Congress must put clean energy solutions into its top agenda because the unemployment rate is already at a 20-year high and the economy needs a push in the right direction (and we’re not talking about “pants propulsion” here, folks!). Wind power projects can generate jobs and at the same time they can reduce America‚Äôs dependence on foreign sources of power generation.

    As long as we don’t run out of bottle openers, beer taps, or band-aids for those pesky “twist off cap” injuries!

    Now the ball is in the legislatures’ court.

    Get your Congressman to expel some of that hot air for a worthy cause! You can make a difference!

    the-lexinatorPS: Your mileage may vary. Offers do not include destination taxes, prep charges, depth charges, shape charges, or anything resembling personal defense equipment. Don’t run with scissors, talk to strangers, or eat Halloween candy without inspection. Drink your milk, eat your vegetables, and a good stiff belt of Scotch will cure nearly anything that ails you. If illness or irritability continues, increase dosage. I am not a doctor, I just play on on TV and in the garage…

    Inauguration Madness

    Join us, won’t you…

    For another exciting episode of;

    wtf

    Now, I know that you guys have heard the rumor, started by the likes of Pat Robertson, that aside from being spawned under a rock, in Richard Nixon’s Western White House garden, I’m also illiterate, and don’t read too good, either…

    But…

    Chicago Sun-Times columnist Mary Mitchell reports that among the guests at Barack Obama’s inauguration may be three boys from Los Angeles County, California, who broke into a house and beat up the old lady inside. Doctors said that the “old lady” was beaten so severely, that authorities feared she might suffer permanent brain damage.

    No, I’m not kidding. This has actually been verified, through “reliable sources.”

    The little bastards… um… er… perps are inmates at Camp Afflerbaugh in LaVerne, Calif., a program for juvenile offenders that aims “to reunify the minor and family, to reintegrate the minor into the community and to assist the minor in achieving a productive, crime free life.”

    In other words, it’s a summer camp for under-aged felons, who aren’t old enough to be sent to prison, where they belong.

    An Afflerbaugh employee tells Mitchell, in the columnist’s words, “that on Thursday, the minors were taken to be measured for tuxedos and that a judge has approved the trip”:

    That same employee was heard to exclaim; “Merry Christmas to all, and to all…” Wait… that’s not it… “I can’t believe that they would do that for three criminals who assaulted an old lady in her home!”

    What in the hell is Obama thinking?

    These “youth boot camps” are usually run by hard-nosed jarheads who love to entertain the troops, while they bludgeon them into shape. I can just hear the exercise chants now…

    “Kill your neighbors, harm your friend,¬† you’ll get to the White House in the end…”

    Of all the kids Obama’s people could have chosen to help celebrate Obama’s inauguration, they choose three street thugs who tried to kill a senior citizen during a home invasion robbery. What the hell is this world coming to?

    (Picture lexinator shaking his head…)

    And for the curious, or the Republicans, among you… this isn’t an “Obama” thing, it’s a “stupidity” thing…

    I want THIS for Christmas!

    Last night, as visions of bailouts danced in my head, like mutated Ford shaped sugarplums, I started thinking that, at the rate things are going, we may never have a new American-made car in the driveway again! The US Automakers claim they’re going broke, and they want billions of taxpayer bucks so that they can continue building the same old shoddy, over-priced products that got them into this predicament in the first place!

    My 1990 GMC pickup may be old, but I got it free because some relative died, and I’m pretty sure it could take whatever rolled off the Detroit assembly lines this year in a demolition derby.

    Buddy, I’ve seen your truck!¬† It looks like it’s already BEEN in a demolition derby. I’m surprised the cops let you drive that death-trap around town! LOL!

    Now, I know you’re gasping at my seemingly un-American position here, but think about it for a minute. I admit, I love American cars. Nothing is finer than a million horsepower, wrapped in Detroit steel, with Pink Floyd blaring in the background!

    But… many “other” companies build cars here, now. And they’re NOT going broke. In fact, some of them are making pretty good cash. And, they’re building pretty good cars, too.

    They’re broke because their managers didn’t have the balls to stand up to the UAW.¬† Damn Yankees.¬† You should also take notice that the car companies that are doing fine are located in the South.

    Of course the successful car companies are located in the south! That’s where all the baling wire, and empty beer cans are! Duh!

    So, I turned on the news this morning, only to find out that the Automakers had returned to Washington DC, looking for an even bigger handout than before. You’d think that after they got their asses handed to them for flying into DC in private jets, and then being delivered to the doorstep by limousine, they’d have put on beggar’s clothing, and settled for whatever the powers that be would toss in their direction.

    I think they were taking turns under the Committee’s table.¬† Since they still haven’t been paid, they obviously weren’t very good.

    TMI! TMI! I guess that explains that old rumor; “Nothing sucks like being a politician…” And now I understand all those “intern/page” stories coming out of DC… LOL!

    You’d think that, but you’d be wrong! As I sat there shaking my head in my “bailout induced stupor,” my wife reminded me that once again, the kid had consumed all the milk in the house. So, although deeply troubled by the economic state of the union, I headed out, eager to make the Walton clan even richer… before the baby started crying.

    I just got a $1,500 bill for getting my tractor back in working order, so where’s my Government money!?¬† I need it more than the damn auto companies, and if you don’t believe me just try loading a 5′ x 5′ bail of hay by hand.

    Hey, a knuckle-dragger like you shouldn’t have any trouble toting a decent sized hay bale around. Don’t you get bailouts in the form of “farm subsidies” for that kinda stuff? I mean, aren’t farmers rich?

    So, I spent the morning watching kids run through the aisles of WalMart, screaming like little demons;

    “I want this! I want that!”

    Ah, those were the days…

    When you get older, it’s harder to figure out what you really want, and buying gifts for that “special someone” get trickier. After all, nothing sucks more gas than a Christmas Stocking filled with odor-eater athletic socks… lemme tell you!

    It’s not harder when you’re older, unless you take the right pills.

    I’d say it’s also easier to know what you really want as the years pile up – TO BE YOUNGER!

    Okay, so correct me if I’m seeing this wrong. You’re saying we should wish to be younger, and be on medication? I already did that, in the 70’s! I miss the 70’s…

    Speaking of “sucking gas…”

    Here’s a lil sucker I’d love to see in my stocking, come Christmas morning!¬† The Acrea Zest is a little plastic car available in Europe.
    acrea-zest-plastic_car

    It’s made of PLASTIC! No kidding!

    And those who drive it deserve to die.

    No, they deserve to zoom around thumbing their noses at the rest of the smog-belching traffic. Oh wait… then they’d be FRENCH. Never mind…

    It has no top at all, and the floors are drilled out to allow the rain (and probably “passenger pee-pee,” from fright!) to pass right through, onto the pavement…

    And that works great in Memphis, for at least 5 days a year.¬† Beyond that it’s either too hot or too cold to drive a topless car.¬† Besides, that tiny thing couldn’t possibly carry a powerful enough sound system to let you hear the music over the wind noise.

    So get a jacket, a tank top, or an iPod, you dolt! You can do it… I know you can! And, you’d¬† have all that extra money, to keep that money-pit of a tractor of yours running…

    Now, I’m not sure how environmentalists are gonna feel about using your car to distribute your body fluids throughout the neighborhood, on your way home from a night of drinking beer and playing darts with the boys, but…

    According to press releases, this lil beauty is built out of recycled plastic. You know, like empty 2 liter bottles of soda, water, and booze… so it’s environmentally friendly. So, this baby weighs about 1/3 that of a “typical” vehicle. Because it’s so light, it has a tiny little gas engine that gets 66 miles per gallon, and has a top speed of 65+ miles per hour. It’s built “symmetrically,” so it can also do over 60 MPH in reverse!

    This is SWEET! They go for around $16,400 (US), and I think I want one for Christmas! What can I say? I admit it… Even though I’m Jewish, I “double-dip.”

    Are you listening, Santa? HELLO?

    Just like you Jews – always trying to double up.

    Don’t be hatin’! You’re just jealous because we know a good thing when we see it…

    Okay… Maybe not. The last time I did 60 MPH in a plastic vehicle, my jackass of a father was dragging me behind his pickup truck in my wagon. While I screamed like a little girl, he hollered that it was “to teach me a life lesson.”

    I’m still not positive what that “lesson” actually was, but I suspect that it had something to do with the dangers of dragging a little kid behind your truck at 60 MPH after you’ve been drinking scotch all morning. All I know is that I’m still picking the gravel out of my knees!

    Thanks dad… You Bastard!

    Come on!  Your dad was cool!  Mine never spent any quality time with me at all, and his idea of a wild time was having half a beer with supper.  Give me the wagon pull any day.

    And I happen to know that Mister Manly has enough empty plastic Scotch bottles in his backyard, to build a fleet of these. So Santa, if you run outta material… LOL!

    Damn straight and growing daily!  And I will gladly trade them to the Big Three in equal exchange for full bottles.  Oh, and blow jobs for my gay friends.

    Exactly how many gay friends do you have? After all, those billions the Big Three are trying to panhandle would equal how many blow-jobs? I’m not sure that there are that many gay men in America! Better buy them some chapstick, too!

    And they do too come with tops!¬† There’s a hardtop model, a soft-top model, and even a topless… um… er… never mind. And there’s even a “camouflage” version. Admit it, you know you want one,¬† if only to zoom around and scare your livestock!

    And, I suspect that if GM had built a few of these babies, they wouldn’t be broke...

    Perhaps, but they would be in court.

    BLM Wages War Against A National Icon!!

    Did you see this?

    The Bureau of Land Management (BLM) has announced plans to kill America’s wild horses rather than effectively manage our wild natural heritage.

    We have a Bureau of Land Management?  Why?  What do they do, sneak agents onto your lawn at night and trim the hedges to Government specifications?

    I bet they do rich peoples’ lawns first.

    And I bet that it takes twice as many of them to do the job as it would if they hired Mexicans like everyone else.

    That’s right! The Bureau of Land Management (BLM) claims it can no longer afford to round up wild horses and confine them until it finds people to adopt them. So, the agency wants to euthanize these majestic wild beauties or sell them to the highest bidder “without limitation…”

    Which translates into; “You can do whatever you want with them, even make “Purina Puppy Chow” outta them, if you want to.

    Is it a Bureaus or an Agency?

    Why don’t we just give the land back to the Indians, and they can worry about the horses?¬† They’re big on that stuff aren’t they?

    I say trade the excess to the North Koreans in exchange for their nuclear reactors.  If our Environmental Wackos won;t let us build our own, we have to get them where ever we can.

    Lemme do some math here…

    There’s about 30,000 majestic Mustangs roaming the hills of America, versus about 3 million heads of beef cattle…

    But the BLM claims that they can’t “allow horses to multiply unchecked on the range without causing an environmental disaster.”

    Uh-huh… Can you say “Beef Cattle Lobbyists?” I knew you could…

    Or could that be because horses aren’t a native species, so they have no natural predator?

    Neither are cattle.

    But they have a natural predator, us.¬† Speaking of which, let’s have steak tonight.

    Good idea.

    We can spend billions of dollars bombing the “third world” back into the “Stone Age,” but we can’t afford a few horses? And they’re horses that represent the “very spirit of our nation?”

    Wild Mustangs are the “poster children” of freedom, determination, and our heritage. So obviously, they must die…

    Horses don’t represent the spirit of our nation, whores do.

    Not true.¬† It’s lobbyists.

    Whores!

    Lobbyists!

    I hate to interrupt, but you’re both saying the same thing.



    What?

    Well, everything dies.

    Except for Dick Clark.

    And Keith Richards. Don’t forget Keith Richards.

    And the BLM operates under the guise of being an “environmental” agency…

    So, what would ole’ “Lexinator” do?

    There are approximately 31,000 high, middle, and elementary schools that use the majestic Mustang, as their mascot. I even went to one of those schools! 11,160 of these schools reside within school districts that have agricultural programs. (I checked!)

    So… Why not donate the horses to the schools, to use as “live mascots,” thus insuring their health and well-being, and eliminate the prospect of slaughter for dog food?

    I’m positive that local communities would welcome the idea, and even the financial responsibility, to save these majestic (and LIVING) representations of AMERICAN FREEDOM from a death sentence inflicted by a callous and uncaring¬† government that has forgotten it’s roots…

    Here’s an example of the petition that is circulating around. This one bears about 17,000 signatures, the last time I checked…

    ***************

    Dear Government Asshole Bureaucrats;

    That’s redundant.

    Yeah, and I doubt there are 17,000 US citizens that can write.

    They leave an X.

    Um… that’s not it… Lemme start again…

    Dear Director Caswell,

    Is your first name DICK, perhaps?

    (Okay, okay… I’ll stop… for now.)

    No you won’t.¬† Check your contract.

    I am deeply disappointed with your proposal to kill or sell-off wild horses in confinement rather than develop a management plan to return these majestic animals to the range where they belong.

    There are over three million cattle grazing on federal land, while fewer than 30,000 wild horses roam free. Your agency has more wild horses in confinement than on the range. I urge you to strike a better balance between cattle ranching and wild horses that will truly preserve our wild horses.

    Please consider alternatives such as expanded birth control programs, working with the National Park Service to add land to the range in areas where the horses already currently reside, and limiting the number of permits granted for mountain lion hunting to allow natural predation to control the herd population.

    I’d close it like this:

    “Think carefully, Caswell… After all, we know where your children go to school… you horse-hating piece of sh*t…

    I don’t think he hates horses.¬† I think he’s a misguided cult leader who wants to send their souls off to meet the Holy¬†space ship.¬† So, unless the horses provide a written¬†protest of¬†his actions, in triplicate, how do we know he;s not right?

    I thought you were an atheist?

    I am, but I don’t know all that much about horses.

    Sincerely…

    A friend of Mustangs… and even Shelby Cobras.

    And of course, I wouldn’t do anything to Caswell’s kids. It’s not their fault that their dad is a dick. But I hope he gets kicked in the nuts by an errant hoof, the next time he’s hobnobbing it with the lobbyists at the “Polo Grounds…”

    But then again, I’m a “bleeding-heart liberal pacifist…” right?

    Don’t bet on it…

    Publix takes out the garbage…

    I was reading the Atlanta Business Chronicle the other day, looking for news of the Russians facing off with the Falcons or the Braves… After all, it’s been a day or so since they invaded Georgia, right?

    (I know… I know… that’s not nice… I’m sorry… Actually, I’m appalled at the invasion of Georgia by the Russians, and I’m hoping the UN and the entire free-world come down on Putin and his cronies like a fat kid on a happy meal… Commie Bastards…)

    And I read that a popular supermarket chain is actually paying someone to haul off their organic garbage…

    Here’s the article;

    (I didn’t get permission to reprint it, so if it disappears from the post soon, don’t blame me. It’s the lawyers fault! LOL!)

    [Begin Article]

    “Publix Super Markets partners with Organic Recovery”

    Ever wonder what supermarkets do with those brown bananas or apples that have one too many bruises?

    In the case of Publix, it will be recycled and turned into a high-power fertilizer.

    The supermarket chain has partnered with Organic Recovery LLC, which debuted its first facility on Thursday in Pompano Beach, Fla.

    The partnership works like this: Publix pays Organic Recovery to pick up the fruits, veggies, meats and bakery products that otherwise might end up in the dumpster. Organic Recovery turns it into liquid fertilizer, which is purchased by golf courses, homeowner associations and, eventually, individual homeowners.

    The partnership is expected to increase Publix’s recycling rate by 25 to 30 percent in 33 stores. Organic Recovery’s goal is to serve all 84 Publix stores in Broward County by summer’s end.

    Organic Recovery is planning two additional facilities in Lakeland, Fla., and Atlanta.

    Lakeland-based Publix has 932 stores in Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, Alabama and Tennessee, including 140 stores in metro Atlanta.

    [End of Article]

    Here’s my beef;

    Does this really make any sense?

    They could have accomplished the same exact results (for free), by allowing local gardeners to come get the old produce and organics, for use as composting material, in each and every neighborhood that Publix co-exists in.

    Almost every community has one cranky old retired geriatric with a pick-up truck, willing to haul rotten produce to a community composting site…

    Almost every community has a “community garden.”

    Almost every community has a swarm of people trying desperately to cut down their food bills, by growing their own produce in their backyards…

    (Oh… I get it…)

    I guess the stockholders in Publix would get P.O.’d if the chain did anything to enrich the communities they actually do business in. After all, they might lose the ability to sell tomatoes at $4.00 a pound…

    Wait! I know why Publix is doing this! They’re trying to clean up their image! They also rolled out their new “art in front of our store” extravaganza…

    I only have one question; “Without arms, how’s that naked lady gonna carry her groceries?”

    I gotta go now, my wife says I need to… say it with me… take out the garbage… LOL!

    Stay tuned!