Tag Archives: Comedy

Argh! The “Holidaze” are here! HELP!

Wake up, people!

What are you waiting for?

Get your overcoats on! It’s time to go Hanukkah/Christmas Shopping!

Grab it now, before it all ends up in “Layaway!”

If you call yourself a p-p-p-patriot, you’d better get up off your sorry butt and do something to save the America Economy!

So get out there and heat up those credit cards!

And at night, when you’re dog-tired from fighting the masses, trying to get “just the right anatomically correct Barbie Doll” for that niece (or even that nephew in San Francisco)…

barbie-2009

… you can sit by the fire and ponder a whole new set of “seemingly improbable” (if you’ve been reading the WSJ) events like:

  • A virgin birth, and…
  • Some people rising from the dead, and…
  • How some fat old man can bring presents to every child on the planet in one night without ever being seen, and…
  • Why it is our duty as Americans to spend more than we can afford on presents for people that often don’t appreciate them, so that…
  • Multi-National conglomerates can pay obscene bonuses to people who never even begin to deserve them, while in order to pay for them… American taxpayers take it up the… um… er… never mind…
  • While our newly elected President gets the Nobel Peace Prize for surviving 14 days of the Presidency…

Oy… I’m getting a headache already…

    And the people say…

    Amen.

    the-lexinator

    My thanks to Julia B. who unknowingly contributed to this post… 😉

    It’s Official: U.S. Leads World in Wind Energy

    The United States has taken over from previous champion Germany…

    …in wind power production. For this honor, the USA has only to give thanks to nature and human resourcefulness.

    Nature has gifted the USA with much stronger winds than Germany.

    Providence (or inbreeding) has gifted the US with an overabundance of  “political poltroons bent on public stupidity.”

    Hence… all the hot air!

    Why? Because we have more politicians, that’s why! Aren’t you paying attention? Do I have to use CRAYONS here? Argh!

    Apparently, somebody at the American Wind Energy Association (probably in the mail room), said that in the US, wind energy capacity is growing faster than anyplace else.

    I can only assume it’s because this “expert” gets first crack at all the donation solicitations being sent from Washington DC.

    But if we try to view those stats differently, Germany harnesses seven percent of their power from wind and Denmark generates twenty percent of power from wind.

    Hmmm… Which means it may not only by due to political hot air after all. It might be something else… I know! Maybe it’s the beer! I mean, they drink in Germany, but I’ve been to Denmark, and THEY really know how to “slam a stout,” let me tell you…

    Per capita these Danish Pilsner-Swillers can drink you under a table faster than you can say; “Obama is yo mama!”

    Strangely enough… Wind energy only constitutes 1.2% of total power consumption in America.

    I think it’s because it’s spread out over more square mileage…

    The American Wind Energy Association also estimates that by the end of the year 2012, some 7,500MW of wind energy will be brought online in America.

    Why? Because it’s the next “Election year…” duh! There will be enough hot air floating around to make the warm Santana Winds that sweep in off the desert look like a defective hairdryer!

    And due to the economy taking more tumbles than Mary Lou Retton, layoffs will be at an alltime high. This will lead to more consumption of that blessed brew (and we ain’t talking “mountain grown Folgers,” either!) and the creation of even more warm expelled gases.

    6801201P MARY LOU RETTON

    Man, I’d like to give Mary Lou Retton a tumble or two… Wait… I think that I married her clone! I mean… my wife looks kinda like her… She’s short, and really flexible, she has that “Mary Lou dark hair thing goin’,  and she can “go acrobatic on yer butt…” wait… my wife has much bigger boobs… and she’s really violent… not “sports-minded at all,” not even a little bit… and come to think of it, I’ve never seen her in a leotard… never mind…

    Though the wind industry, “strengthened” (now there’s a laugh) by the Stimulus Bill,  will try to absorb the shock of all this “wind…” once gain, the ultimate brunt will be borne by the American consumer.

    So, buy your gas masks while you can! We have them in several designer colors, and one size fits all! Don’t delay! Act Now! Limit of three to a customer! We accept Gold, Silver, and “favors…” But none of that “devalued green folding stuff.” That sh@t is worthless! Not even the Europeans will take it!

    gas-masks1Obama wants to double U.S. alternative energy output over three years.

    And you know what THAT means… Experts are already saying that because of the Stimulus Bill, American Government will have to increase in size, just to support it! Talk about “Hot Air!” I just hope it doesn’t blow us out of orbit!

    Talk about Global Climate Change! We’ll probably end up out there by… say it with me; “Uranus!”

    Oh, stop groaning… You laughed! Admit it! Okay, don’t! I don’t care… 🙂

    It’s clear that the Congress must put clean energy solutions into its top agenda because the unemployment rate is already at a 20-year high and the economy needs a push in the right direction (and we’re not talking about “pants propulsion” here, folks!). Wind power projects can generate jobs and at the same time they can reduce America’s dependence on foreign sources of power generation.

    As long as we don’t run out of bottle openers, beer taps, or band-aids for those pesky “twist off cap” injuries!

    Now the ball is in the legislatures’ court.

    Get your Congressman to expel some of that hot air for a worthy cause! You can make a difference!

    the-lexinatorPS: Your mileage may vary. Offers do not include destination taxes, prep charges, depth charges, shape charges, or anything resembling personal defense equipment. Don’t run with scissors, talk to strangers, or eat Halloween candy without inspection. Drink your milk, eat your vegetables, and a good stiff belt of Scotch will cure nearly anything that ails you. If illness or irritability continues, increase dosage. I am not a doctor, I just play on on TV and in the garage…

    “The times, they are a changin…” Christmas!

    Remember way back when, when you were a kid, and “Santa’s Appearance” loomed large in your tiny little sugar fueled cranium? Well, do ya, punk?

    I remember wanting a bike, a new telescope, and something that didn’t resemble my mother’s cooking… anything. That woman couldn’t cook her way out of a paper bag!

    But folks, times are changing faster than you can say “Obama’s yo mama!”

    Kids just aren’t the same anymore. They used to want GI Joe’s, and Hot Wheels, and (gasp!) puppies. Now, they want guns, bombs, and weapons of mass destruction.

    And this means that even the Christmas Carols must change…

    “All I want for Christmas is my blued front peep (sight)…”

    And to think I can remember when Santa didn’t even approve of Red Rider BB Guns because, “You’ll shoot your eye out.”

    But fear not! Help is on the way! (Courtesy of the St. Louis Dispatch!)

    santa-approved-guns

    Happy Hunting, you little bastards! Oy Vay!

    Gotta go now, Rudolph needs basting…

    Ho-ho-ho!