Resume for: Lexinator
Position applied for: Media Commentator
Nationality: Currently living in Exile
Qualifications: What? I need “qualifications” to be a critic? You’ve got to be kidding me!
Are you sure? I mean, really… have you actually watched TV or picked up a paper?
Or, even listened to the radio? That idiot “Savage” can’t have “qualifications!” Say it ain’t so!
And I’m sure that there’s gotta be some ACLU thing I can use…
Because “I will be heard!” Got it?
Don’t make me sic the lawyers on you. I’ll do it! I will!
Okay, okay… I’ll play:
I have 40+years experience as a professional “man of words and grunts,” crayola artist and “pitchur taker.” In fact, I’ve been “talking” for decades… I’ve sold over 500,000 non-fiction books written in Swahili.
(When the owner finds out, he’s gonna be maaaaaad!)
I’ve produced a comprehensive catalog of ice cream scoops in field ranging from Aloe Vera to “Yakuza Yellow Soy Curd.” And, I’m especially fond of “Melon Crayons.” Those guys at CRAYOLA are geniuses! Hmmmm, chewy!
Extra-curricular Activities: I consorted with the daughter of a “well known” gangster devoted to high-finance and government corruption.
After I took some pitchurs of her, she dumped me to marry some “dude ranch” lookin’ character, on a ranch in some hayseed town called Crawford Gulch,Texas. I don’t know why she was so pissed. I offered her some of the tabloid money…
You might have seen the pitchurs.
Well, now, you have.
So, now I’m focused on exposing U.S. manipulation of international politics, media and education through a combination of bribes, murders, conspiracies, waterboarding, brainwashing etc. My goal is to manipulate U.S. propaganda and expose the people of the world to the truth so that they may free themselves from the colonial yoke and use their $5 quadtrillion in overseas holdings to end world poverty, save the environment, and buy me a small yacht in gratitude for my many works of humanity…
Languages: Native or near native, spoken and written: Japandenso, Spanglish, Pig-Latin, Yiddish, Ebonics, and Gibberish. Conversational, reading ability in Lookeydat (menus and pitchurs), Iwandisone (wine bottles and cheese) and Dagodowngud (pasta labels and sauce bottles).
! went to school for it, and everything… See!
Wait… that’s not it…
Experience? You mean we’re gonna go through that “qualifications” thing again? This sounds pretty “discriminatory” to me… Where’s that number for the ACLU? Hmmm…
2005-present: Have participated in publishing of books written, with cumulative sales running at over 500,000 copies. (Working on loading dock “qualifies,” right?) I appear frequently on weekly 1-hour TV show (America’s Most Wanted) and appear frequently on numerous other nationally broadcast shows (like “COPS,” and “DEA.”). I have hacked “columns” in a variety of popular Internet publications (blogs).
1998-2005: Asian-Propaganda Bureau Chief for “I Tole’ Ya So, Round Eye!” Magazine. Quit in profound disgust over extensive corporate censorship and mingling of advertising and editorial at the magazine. If they dispute this, I invite them to sue me, any place, any time. If they can find the mini-van I’m squatting in, all the more power to them.
1997-1998: Historical correspondent for the South Bagdad Morning Post. Spent most mornings observing and recording floggings and executions on “post” located just outside window.
1995-7: Staff writer for the “Buckaroo Bonzai” Weekly.
Ever try writing with a staff? The trick is to wear gloves, and keep it sharpened.
1993-1995 Took a sabbatical in Canada. Did research on the alleged link between “Evolution” and Canadians. Did extensive studies to document brewery expertise, “part-time.” “Evolution” research was “inconclusive.”
Imported Beer, however, was great… Guinness rules!
1989-1992 Senior correspondent for the International Embezzlers Revue. Created and managed “Warrant Watch,” a legal paperwork analysis service available to various International businessmen, usually delivered to their Rio De Janeiro addresses.
Created “Katana,” a Japanese Inspired Protection Service available on the Tokyo Subway, to protect passengers from religious malcontents wielding Serin Gas grenades. Spun off Gas Mask to “fashion trade” for a hefty fee.
Also triggered several criminal investigations involving “widows and orphans” with articles that bragged about my financial industry “losses, accounting errors, and irregularities.”
1986-1989 Correspondent for Knight-Rider Automotive News; covered a broad range of automotive related news. One particularly moving story was used by Knight-Rider in a Hasslehoff campaign, aimed at persuading big-busomed blondes to test drive KITT (from the back seat, while parked in remote locations)…
No! Not Eartha Kitt! Ew! She’s too old!
That’s what I’m talkin about! Yee-haw!
No “industry” awards were earned, but I did get several bonuses, gratuitous bottles of Scotch, and a dose of the clap. Oh yeah, I also got named as a “defendant” in a divorce suit.
1982-1985 Part time jobs during student years included: work as an editor of “Peek-A-Boo Review“, a spywear and lingerie magazine; translation in the fields of business and finance (blackmail and extortion) and once again, self-promoted… by assorted television, radio appearances (“COPS,””Blue Lights,” and “America’s Dumbest Criminals.”)
1978-1982: Sowed my wild oats. Spent the time traveling and avoiding lawyers, prosecutors, subpoenas, and civilization. After doing research on bulletin boards, I Spent (2) years studying with a big-breasted witch doctoress along the upper reaches of the Uquyalimomma river in the Amazon.
Practiced “tantric hands on healing.” Lived with reforming (and amazingly cute) tribe of Cannibal Women as “Da Biggum Wiggler.” Total time spent sleeping outdoors was 3 years. I lived as a wild animal rutting with native girls in the wilderness, catching food with my own two hands, and eating exotic grubs, guts, and goo, etc…
This experience “qualifies ” for the position of local “Food Correspondent” too, huh?
Education Contacts: 5th Street Montesori School (pamphlets from dumpster), Sophia Seraglio (personal tutoring and public humiliation), Sister Cathleen at Our Lady of St. Marks All Over Your Body, You Little Bastard,” the Dean of Student Discipline at the University of Whatzamatta, British Columbia, Vancouver, Canada. I graduated “Magda – bring us another,” with a minor in…um…er… I’m not telling her name. She told me she was 19.
Also possess several transferable credit hours in “Chinese menu specialty.”