Category Archives: Madonna

I want THIS for Christmas!

Last night, as visions of bailouts danced in my head, like mutated Ford shaped sugarplums, I started thinking that, at the rate things are going, we may never have a new American-made car in the driveway again! The US Automakers claim they’re going broke, and they want billions of taxpayer bucks so that they can continue building the same old shoddy, over-priced products that got them into this predicament in the first place!

My 1990 GMC pickup may be old, but I got it free because some relative died, and I’m pretty sure it could take whatever rolled off the Detroit assembly lines this year in a demolition derby.

Buddy, I’ve seen your truck!  It looks like it’s already BEEN in a demolition derby. I’m surprised the cops let you drive that death-trap around town! LOL!

Now, I know you’re gasping at my seemingly un-American position here, but think about it for a minute. I admit, I love American cars. Nothing is finer than a million horsepower, wrapped in Detroit steel, with Pink Floyd blaring in the background!

But… many “other” companies build cars here, now. And they’re NOT going broke. In fact, some of them are making pretty good cash. And, they’re building pretty good cars, too.

They’re broke because their managers didn’t have the balls to stand up to the UAW.  Damn Yankees.  You should also take notice that the car companies that are doing fine are located in the South.

Of course the successful car companies are located in the south! That’s where all the baling wire, and empty beer cans are! Duh!

So, I turned on the news this morning, only to find out that the Automakers had returned to Washington DC, looking for an even bigger handout than before. You’d think that after they got their asses handed to them for flying into DC in private jets, and then being delivered to the doorstep by limousine, they’d have put on beggar’s clothing, and settled for whatever the powers that be would toss in their direction.

I think they were taking turns under the Committee’s table.  Since they still haven’t been paid, they obviously weren’t very good.

TMI! TMI! I guess that explains that old rumor; “Nothing sucks like being a politician…” And now I understand all those “intern/page” stories coming out of DC… LOL!

You’d think that, but you’d be wrong! As I sat there shaking my head in my “bailout induced stupor,” my wife reminded me that once again, the kid had consumed all the milk in the house. So, although deeply troubled by the economic state of the union, I headed out, eager to make the Walton clan even richer… before the baby started crying.

I just got a $1,500 bill for getting my tractor back in working order, so where’s my Government money!?  I need it more than the damn auto companies, and if you don’t believe me just try loading a 5′ x 5′ bail of hay by hand.

Hey, a knuckle-dragger like you shouldn’t have any trouble toting a decent sized hay bale around. Don’t you get bailouts in the form of “farm subsidies” for that kinda stuff? I mean, aren’t farmers rich?

So, I spent the morning watching kids run through the aisles of WalMart, screaming like little demons;

“I want this! I want that!”

Ah, those were the days…

When you get older, it’s harder to figure out what you really want, and buying gifts for that “special someone” get trickier. After all, nothing sucks more gas than a Christmas Stocking filled with odor-eater athletic socks… lemme tell you!

It’s not harder when you’re older, unless you take the right pills.

I’d say it’s also easier to know what you really want as the years pile up – TO BE YOUNGER!

Okay, so correct me if I’m seeing this wrong. You’re saying we should wish to be younger, and be on medication? I already did that, in the 70’s! I miss the 70’s…

Speaking of “sucking gas…”

Here’s a lil sucker I’d love to see in my stocking, come Christmas morning!  The Acrea Zest is a little plastic car available in Europe.
acrea-zest-plastic_car

It’s made of PLASTIC! No kidding!

And those who drive it deserve to die.

No, they deserve to zoom around thumbing their noses at the rest of the smog-belching traffic. Oh wait… then they’d be FRENCH. Never mind…

It has no top at all, and the floors are drilled out to allow the rain (and probably “passenger pee-pee,” from fright!) to pass right through, onto the pavement…

And that works great in Memphis, for at least 5 days a year.  Beyond that it’s either too hot or too cold to drive a topless car.  Besides, that tiny thing couldn’t possibly carry a powerful enough sound system to let you hear the music over the wind noise.

So get a jacket, a tank top, or an iPod, you dolt! You can do it… I know you can! And, you’d  have all that extra money, to keep that money-pit of a tractor of yours running…

Now, I’m not sure how environmentalists are gonna feel about using your car to distribute your body fluids throughout the neighborhood, on your way home from a night of drinking beer and playing darts with the boys, but…

According to press releases, this lil beauty is built out of recycled plastic. You know, like empty 2 liter bottles of soda, water, and booze… so it’s environmentally friendly. So, this baby weighs about 1/3 that of a “typical” vehicle. Because it’s so light, it has a tiny little gas engine that gets 66 miles per gallon, and has a top speed of 65+ miles per hour. It’s built “symmetrically,” so it can also do over 60 MPH in reverse!

This is SWEET! They go for around $16,400 (US), and I think I want one for Christmas! What can I say? I admit it… Even though I’m Jewish, I “double-dip.”

Are you listening, Santa? HELLO?

Just like you Jews – always trying to double up.

Don’t be hatin’! You’re just jealous because we know a good thing when we see it…

Okay… Maybe not. The last time I did 60 MPH in a plastic vehicle, my jackass of a father was dragging me behind his pickup truck in my wagon. While I screamed like a little girl, he hollered that it was “to teach me a life lesson.”

I’m still not positive what that “lesson” actually was, but I suspect that it had something to do with the dangers of dragging a little kid behind your truck at 60 MPH after you’ve been drinking scotch all morning. All I know is that I’m still picking the gravel out of my knees!

Thanks dad… You Bastard!

Come on!  Your dad was cool!  Mine never spent any quality time with me at all, and his idea of a wild time was having half a beer with supper.  Give me the wagon pull any day.

And I happen to know that Mister Manly has enough empty plastic Scotch bottles in his backyard, to build a fleet of these. So Santa, if you run outta material… LOL!

Damn straight and growing daily!  And I will gladly trade them to the Big Three in equal exchange for full bottles.  Oh, and blow jobs for my gay friends.

Exactly how many gay friends do you have? After all, those billions the Big Three are trying to panhandle would equal how many blow-jobs? I’m not sure that there are that many gay men in America! Better buy them some chapstick, too!

And they do too come with tops!  There’s a hardtop model, a soft-top model, and even a topless… um… er… never mind. And there’s even a “camouflage” version. Admit it, you know you want one,  if only to zoom around and scare your livestock!

And, I suspect that if GM had built a few of these babies, they wouldn’t be broke...

Perhaps, but they would be in court.

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Madonna’s new show?!

By Rebecca Brody
13:00, August 26th 2008

Madonna’s Political Beliefs – Part Of Her Own Show

Madonna proved once again that sparking controversy is definitely her thing.

Apparently, anything that “sparkles” is her thing. She’s a materialistic skank! Don’t you listen to her “music?”

No.  I pay good money to a protection agency to keep that noise away from me.  A large man in a dark suit follows me around and, at the first note of any Madonna song, he slaps a headset on me playing a random heavy metal number at peak volume.  He’s quite good at it.  So far I’ve only heard two consecutive notes of her “music.”

Is this that same loon that illegally “adopted” an “orphan” kid who already had a dad? Uh-oh…

That’s just plain scary!

Damn straight!  God, it looks like she could squeeze your dick off without working up a sweat.

I’d point out that it also looks like she’d enjoy it.

“The Undead” are like that. “Child-Stealing Undead” are much worse!

Relax! Her vagina has been pounded more than bread dough! It’ll be okay… But I suggest you wear a blindfold! And protection. Don’t forget protection. I suggest the “Third Marines.”

However, the Material Girl did not count on sex or religious issues this time, as she preferred to turn to politics.

Hell, she’s already pissed off the Catholics and the Jews! Who was left? The Scientologists?

I thought she was a Scientologist.

Nah, she was just scheming on Tom Ooze… um… er… Cruise.

You shouldn’t piss off “Jews.” They can hold a grudge for thousands of years, lemme tell you…

She is a Jew.

No, she isn’t a Jew. She was only foolin… to get attention.

Naw.  She’s into Kabbalah, so that makes her a Kabbalahwallaist.

Same thing, except crazy.

Are you implying that Kabbalists are “crazy?” Okay, that’s it. I’m putting you on “my list…”

Notwithstanding the fact that celebrities and political matters don’t really have common ground, the pop icon kicked off her Sticky & Sweet world tour on Saturday night lashing out at Senator John McCain.

More like the “Skanky and Stinky” tour. And she wasn’t exactly “lashing out,” she was thousands of miles away, using the Atlantic Ocean to hide behind.

She’s bigger than the Atlantic Ocean.  After all the times she’s been banged …

TMI! TMI! Ewwww!

Don’t even go there, and if you just must, use a condom.

Use two.  That’ll help with your little problem.

Forget that! Just use a telephone! You shouldn’t be in the same room with that skank!

And we’re sorry to hear about your “little problem.” Just remember,  “it ain’t the size of the boat, it’s the motion in the ocean!” So, what’s your “dinghy’s” name? Hmmm?

So, when it comes to Madonna, don’t; “Just Say NO!” Say; “Not Just NO!, But OH HELL NO!” Am I Right?

That surely drew some attention, I’d say.

Only from those kiss-ass brown-nosers at the tabloid media!

Well, the Grand Canyon draws a lot of attention too.

Similar sized “canyons” too…

I went to the Grand Canyon on vacation last year. That explains the smell, I thought it was the donkeys…

During her four-act show which took place in Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, Wales, Madonna chose to display a couple of political montages while performing “Get Stupid.”

More like “the three ringed circus…” And who better to perform “Get Stupid?” It was probably autobiographical.

Seriously, you can’t expect someone with her reputation to get shorty.

Are you sure? What was your “dinghy’s” name, again?

The much talked about video interlude included a sequence of images bringing together shocking representations of destruction and global warming on the one hand, and Nazi leader Adolf Hitler, Zimbabwe’s dictator Robert Mugabe and Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential candidate, on the other hand.

Yeah, what says “It’s hard being the President” better than pointing out all the evil bastards you face on a daily basis, as the ruler of the free world? She left out Sadaam Hussein, and Osama Bin Laden, though… Drat!

That was for tax purposes.  She’s dating them, so using their images would mean she’d have to cut them in on the royalties and pay their Social Security and health care.

Ah, I hate to break this to you but, SADAAM IS DEAD!

Of course he is, but Madonna has always had, well, rather odd taste in men.

Yeah!  She likes them stiff.

I’ve always known that Madonna was one of the “Undead.” So, it shouldn’t make a difference as long as they’re “stiff.”  Right?

Nevertheless, Madonna didn’t stop here. Another montage played later on in the show depicted slain Beatle John Lennon, environmental activist Al Gore, Mahatma Gandhi and alleged Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama all together.

And, again, another brilliant illustration! Madonna is a genius! She’s obviously demonstrating that Democrats are whining cry-babies who line their pockets with every “get rich” and ” global warming” scheme they can think of… And they do this, while wishing they were Gandhi! Because Gandhi didn’t pay income tax!

Were they singing “Kumbaya?”

Nope. I heard it was “Hakuna-Matata!” from “Lion King.”

That wasn’t very obvious, was it, Madonna? More than 40,000 fans were present at the singer’s show and, ready or not, they found out whose side Madonna was on.

She’s on “her” backside. Just ask A-Rod.

I heard they gave away free beer. Nothing attracts the Welsh, like free beer! See? Not even bad music will keep them away!

You’d think the beer would go bad by the end of the first song.

The Welsh don’t care. Ever eaten English food? It could be “bad,” and you’d never know it. It always tastes like that! Blah!

Obviously, John McCain’s people were not at all pleased with the superstar’s little games, finding the links offensive. “The comparisons are outrageous, unacceptable and crudely divisive all at the same time. It clearly shows that when it comes to supporting Barack Obama, his fellow worldwide celebrities refuse to consider any smear or attack off limits,” the senator’s spokesman Tucker Bounds said, as quoted by Fox News.

I think they give her too much credit. I think she was just manipulating the press to get some attention. I mean, really.  She’s become the poster child for “Man, I may be rich, but there isn’t enough money in the world to cure this much ugly.”

I don’t see the problem with being compared to Hitler.  Sure, after the syphilis and the drugs got to him, he turned into a real prick, but having a McHitler for President would sure make the Russians sing a different tune.  Really, Pootin will have President Obama kissing his KGB ass within a month.

In addition to this, the controversial comments went even further: “It’s a disappointing and vulgar attack on John McCain, who has devoted his life to the cause of freedom and the fight against tyranny,” Taylor Griffin, another spokesperson for the Republican said, according to the Los Angeles Times.

Well, to be fair, Taylor does get paid to say stuff like that.  But evidently, he’s got McCain confused with Batman… I bet Stan Lee sues him!

They should hire Peter Griffin.

The 50-year-old singer is known for her contentious and divisive shows, as she constantly uses disturbing videos or language in her concerts. For instance, she used images that offended the Catholic Church a few years ago and, on her last tour, she displayed Kabbalah images, thus upsetting Jews.

And don’t think she’s gonna get away with it, “zol dir platsn di gal!” Revenge is a dish best served “Ice Cold.”

Wait! That’s “Jewspeak” for; “May her gall bladder burst!” Right?

I seem to recall that she lost her gall bladder during a photo shoot for “Sex.”  She still has at least one kidney left, if you want to reword the curse.

That wasn’t her gall bladder, it was her diaphragm shooting out of her crotch! But, It’s in a lower orbit now, so don’t worry. NASA says it’ll probably burn up on re-entry…

Moreover, Madonna was involved in a verbal quarrel with renowned musician Elton John, who claimed that Guy Ritchie’s spouse lip-synched to music recordings while performing her so-called live acts. However, the star said that some of the yoga moves she made on stage were an impediment to live singing, giving Elton John the chance to say that fans did not pay to learn yoga, but to attend a singing concert.

And who knows more about music than the “King of Queens?” Huh? Go Elvis… er… um… Sir Elton!

Hey, I’d spend $150 to see a scantily clad, geriatric skant perfoming yoga, to a stinky beat… Wait, no I wouldn’t.

Her yoga moves are an impediment to my appetite.  God, I’ll never be able to eat fish again!

Man, this is better than Jenny Craig! Think of the weight we’ll lose! That means we can drink more beer!

Madonna’s latest show was split into four different parts: “gangsta pimp, rave, gypsy and old school.” Her stage outfits were selected from the 3,500 items of clothing reportedly created by 36 designers exclusively for the pop icon’s world tour.

That just goes to show you what lengths you have to go to, to try and look “presentable” when you’re “Madonna.”

Another bit of trivia is that she had to hire a full time accountant for the show, to make sure she consistently counted to 4 correctly.

And I heard that she still got it wrong! The accountant must have been a “Gentile.”

She is expected to perform in more than 50 locations, including 16 stages in Europe. The Sticky & Sweet Tour continues through Europe until the end of September and debuts in the United States on October 4 in New Jersey.

They’re really going to let her back in!?  Something tells me we’re going to regret this decision.

So, by the time she gets here, the “Sticky and Sweet” tour will have gone rancid. It’s Madonna, no one will be able to tell the difference.

Madonna is scheduled to perform in San Diego on November 4, Election Day.

“Marge! Get the rifle, and the hollow-points… We’re going hunting…”

Now, now!  None of that!  If you run around shooting all the skank celebrities we won’t have anything to write about.

Maybe not, but my side job as a “tombstone carver” is looking up! I’ll make her marker look like labia! That way, it won’t even need any name on it!

Can’t we just “wing” her a little bit? It’s not like anybody would know… She’s always on her back!