Category Archives: Green

It’s Official: U.S. Leads World in Wind Energy

The United States has taken over from previous champion Germany…

…in wind power production. For this honor, the USA has only to give thanks to nature and human resourcefulness.

Nature has gifted the USA with much stronger winds than Germany.

Providence (or inbreeding) has gifted the US with an overabundance of  “political poltroons bent on public stupidity.”

Hence… all the hot air!

Why? Because we have more politicians, that’s why! Aren’t you paying attention? Do I have to use CRAYONS here? Argh!

Apparently, somebody at the American Wind Energy Association (probably in the mail room), said that in the US, wind energy capacity is growing faster than anyplace else.

I can only assume it’s because this “expert” gets first crack at all the donation solicitations being sent from Washington DC.

But if we try to view those stats differently, Germany harnesses seven percent of their power from wind and Denmark generates twenty percent of power from wind.

Hmmm… Which means it may not only by due to political hot air after all. It might be something else… I know! Maybe it’s the beer! I mean, they drink in Germany, but I’ve been to Denmark, and THEY really know how to “slam a stout,” let me tell you…

Per capita these Danish Pilsner-Swillers can drink you under a table faster than you can say; “Obama is yo mama!”

Strangely enough… Wind energy only constitutes 1.2% of total power consumption in America.

I think it’s because it’s spread out over more square mileage…

The American Wind Energy Association also estimates that by the end of the year 2012, some 7,500MW of wind energy will be brought online in America.

Why? Because it’s the next “Election year…” duh! There will be enough hot air floating around to make the warm Santana Winds that sweep in off the desert look like a defective hairdryer!

And due to the economy taking more tumbles than Mary Lou Retton, layoffs will be at an alltime high. This will lead to more consumption of that blessed brew (and we ain’t talking “mountain grown Folgers,” either!) and the creation of even more warm expelled gases.

6801201P MARY LOU RETTON

Man, I’d like to give Mary Lou Retton a tumble or two… Wait… I think that I married her clone! I mean… my wife looks kinda like her… She’s short, and really flexible, she has that “Mary Lou dark hair thing goin’,  and she can “go acrobatic on yer butt…” wait… my wife has much bigger boobs… and she’s really violent… not “sports-minded at all,” not even a little bit… and come to think of it, I’ve never seen her in a leotard… never mind…

Though the wind industry, “strengthened” (now there’s a laugh) by the Stimulus Bill,  will try to absorb the shock of all this “wind…” once gain, the ultimate brunt will be borne by the American consumer.

So, buy your gas masks while you can! We have them in several designer colors, and one size fits all! Don’t delay! Act Now! Limit of three to a customer! We accept Gold, Silver, and “favors…” But none of that “devalued green folding stuff.” That sh@t is worthless! Not even the Europeans will take it!

gas-masks1Obama wants to double U.S. alternative energy output over three years.

And you know what THAT means… Experts are already saying that because of the Stimulus Bill, American Government will have to increase in size, just to support it! Talk about “Hot Air!” I just hope it doesn’t blow us out of orbit!

Talk about Global Climate Change! We’ll probably end up out there by… say it with me; “Uranus!”

Oh, stop groaning… You laughed! Admit it! Okay, don’t! I don’t care… 🙂

It’s clear that the Congress must put clean energy solutions into its top agenda because the unemployment rate is already at a 20-year high and the economy needs a push in the right direction (and we’re not talking about “pants propulsion” here, folks!). Wind power projects can generate jobs and at the same time they can reduce America’s dependence on foreign sources of power generation.

As long as we don’t run out of bottle openers, beer taps, or band-aids for those pesky “twist off cap” injuries!

Now the ball is in the legislatures’ court.

Get your Congressman to expel some of that hot air for a worthy cause! You can make a difference!

the-lexinatorPS: Your mileage may vary. Offers do not include destination taxes, prep charges, depth charges, shape charges, or anything resembling personal defense equipment. Don’t run with scissors, talk to strangers, or eat Halloween candy without inspection. Drink your milk, eat your vegetables, and a good stiff belt of Scotch will cure nearly anything that ails you. If illness or irritability continues, increase dosage. I am not a doctor, I just play on on TV and in the garage…
Advertisements

I want THIS for Christmas!

Last night, as visions of bailouts danced in my head, like mutated Ford shaped sugarplums, I started thinking that, at the rate things are going, we may never have a new American-made car in the driveway again! The US Automakers claim they’re going broke, and they want billions of taxpayer bucks so that they can continue building the same old shoddy, over-priced products that got them into this predicament in the first place!

My 1990 GMC pickup may be old, but I got it free because some relative died, and I’m pretty sure it could take whatever rolled off the Detroit assembly lines this year in a demolition derby.

Buddy, I’ve seen your truck!  It looks like it’s already BEEN in a demolition derby. I’m surprised the cops let you drive that death-trap around town! LOL!

Now, I know you’re gasping at my seemingly un-American position here, but think about it for a minute. I admit, I love American cars. Nothing is finer than a million horsepower, wrapped in Detroit steel, with Pink Floyd blaring in the background!

But… many “other” companies build cars here, now. And they’re NOT going broke. In fact, some of them are making pretty good cash. And, they’re building pretty good cars, too.

They’re broke because their managers didn’t have the balls to stand up to the UAW.  Damn Yankees.  You should also take notice that the car companies that are doing fine are located in the South.

Of course the successful car companies are located in the south! That’s where all the baling wire, and empty beer cans are! Duh!

So, I turned on the news this morning, only to find out that the Automakers had returned to Washington DC, looking for an even bigger handout than before. You’d think that after they got their asses handed to them for flying into DC in private jets, and then being delivered to the doorstep by limousine, they’d have put on beggar’s clothing, and settled for whatever the powers that be would toss in their direction.

I think they were taking turns under the Committee’s table.  Since they still haven’t been paid, they obviously weren’t very good.

TMI! TMI! I guess that explains that old rumor; “Nothing sucks like being a politician…” And now I understand all those “intern/page” stories coming out of DC… LOL!

You’d think that, but you’d be wrong! As I sat there shaking my head in my “bailout induced stupor,” my wife reminded me that once again, the kid had consumed all the milk in the house. So, although deeply troubled by the economic state of the union, I headed out, eager to make the Walton clan even richer… before the baby started crying.

I just got a $1,500 bill for getting my tractor back in working order, so where’s my Government money!?  I need it more than the damn auto companies, and if you don’t believe me just try loading a 5′ x 5′ bail of hay by hand.

Hey, a knuckle-dragger like you shouldn’t have any trouble toting a decent sized hay bale around. Don’t you get bailouts in the form of “farm subsidies” for that kinda stuff? I mean, aren’t farmers rich?

So, I spent the morning watching kids run through the aisles of WalMart, screaming like little demons;

“I want this! I want that!”

Ah, those were the days…

When you get older, it’s harder to figure out what you really want, and buying gifts for that “special someone” get trickier. After all, nothing sucks more gas than a Christmas Stocking filled with odor-eater athletic socks… lemme tell you!

It’s not harder when you’re older, unless you take the right pills.

I’d say it’s also easier to know what you really want as the years pile up – TO BE YOUNGER!

Okay, so correct me if I’m seeing this wrong. You’re saying we should wish to be younger, and be on medication? I already did that, in the 70’s! I miss the 70’s…

Speaking of “sucking gas…”

Here’s a lil sucker I’d love to see in my stocking, come Christmas morning!  The Acrea Zest is a little plastic car available in Europe.
acrea-zest-plastic_car

It’s made of PLASTIC! No kidding!

And those who drive it deserve to die.

No, they deserve to zoom around thumbing their noses at the rest of the smog-belching traffic. Oh wait… then they’d be FRENCH. Never mind…

It has no top at all, and the floors are drilled out to allow the rain (and probably “passenger pee-pee,” from fright!) to pass right through, onto the pavement…

And that works great in Memphis, for at least 5 days a year.  Beyond that it’s either too hot or too cold to drive a topless car.  Besides, that tiny thing couldn’t possibly carry a powerful enough sound system to let you hear the music over the wind noise.

So get a jacket, a tank top, or an iPod, you dolt! You can do it… I know you can! And, you’d  have all that extra money, to keep that money-pit of a tractor of yours running…

Now, I’m not sure how environmentalists are gonna feel about using your car to distribute your body fluids throughout the neighborhood, on your way home from a night of drinking beer and playing darts with the boys, but…

According to press releases, this lil beauty is built out of recycled plastic. You know, like empty 2 liter bottles of soda, water, and booze… so it’s environmentally friendly. So, this baby weighs about 1/3 that of a “typical” vehicle. Because it’s so light, it has a tiny little gas engine that gets 66 miles per gallon, and has a top speed of 65+ miles per hour. It’s built “symmetrically,” so it can also do over 60 MPH in reverse!

This is SWEET! They go for around $16,400 (US), and I think I want one for Christmas! What can I say? I admit it… Even though I’m Jewish, I “double-dip.”

Are you listening, Santa? HELLO?

Just like you Jews – always trying to double up.

Don’t be hatin’! You’re just jealous because we know a good thing when we see it…

Okay… Maybe not. The last time I did 60 MPH in a plastic vehicle, my jackass of a father was dragging me behind his pickup truck in my wagon. While I screamed like a little girl, he hollered that it was “to teach me a life lesson.”

I’m still not positive what that “lesson” actually was, but I suspect that it had something to do with the dangers of dragging a little kid behind your truck at 60 MPH after you’ve been drinking scotch all morning. All I know is that I’m still picking the gravel out of my knees!

Thanks dad… You Bastard!

Come on!  Your dad was cool!  Mine never spent any quality time with me at all, and his idea of a wild time was having half a beer with supper.  Give me the wagon pull any day.

And I happen to know that Mister Manly has enough empty plastic Scotch bottles in his backyard, to build a fleet of these. So Santa, if you run outta material… LOL!

Damn straight and growing daily!  And I will gladly trade them to the Big Three in equal exchange for full bottles.  Oh, and blow jobs for my gay friends.

Exactly how many gay friends do you have? After all, those billions the Big Three are trying to panhandle would equal how many blow-jobs? I’m not sure that there are that many gay men in America! Better buy them some chapstick, too!

And they do too come with tops!  There’s a hardtop model, a soft-top model, and even a topless… um… er… never mind. And there’s even a “camouflage” version. Admit it, you know you want one,  if only to zoom around and scare your livestock!

And, I suspect that if GM had built a few of these babies, they wouldn’t be broke...

Perhaps, but they would be in court.

Publix takes out the garbage…

I was reading the Atlanta Business Chronicle the other day, looking for news of the Russians facing off with the Falcons or the Braves… After all, it’s been a day or so since they invaded Georgia, right?

(I know… I know… that’s not nice… I’m sorry… Actually, I’m appalled at the invasion of Georgia by the Russians, and I’m hoping the UN and the entire free-world come down on Putin and his cronies like a fat kid on a happy meal… Commie Bastards…)

And I read that a popular supermarket chain is actually paying someone to haul off their organic garbage…

Here’s the article;

(I didn’t get permission to reprint it, so if it disappears from the post soon, don’t blame me. It’s the lawyers fault! LOL!)

[Begin Article]

“Publix Super Markets partners with Organic Recovery”

Ever wonder what supermarkets do with those brown bananas or apples that have one too many bruises?

In the case of Publix, it will be recycled and turned into a high-power fertilizer.

The supermarket chain has partnered with Organic Recovery LLC, which debuted its first facility on Thursday in Pompano Beach, Fla.

The partnership works like this: Publix pays Organic Recovery to pick up the fruits, veggies, meats and bakery products that otherwise might end up in the dumpster. Organic Recovery turns it into liquid fertilizer, which is purchased by golf courses, homeowner associations and, eventually, individual homeowners.

The partnership is expected to increase Publix’s recycling rate by 25 to 30 percent in 33 stores. Organic Recovery’s goal is to serve all 84 Publix stores in Broward County by summer’s end.

Organic Recovery is planning two additional facilities in Lakeland, Fla., and Atlanta.

Lakeland-based Publix has 932 stores in Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, Alabama and Tennessee, including 140 stores in metro Atlanta.

[End of Article]

Here’s my beef;

Does this really make any sense?

They could have accomplished the same exact results (for free), by allowing local gardeners to come get the old produce and organics, for use as composting material, in each and every neighborhood that Publix co-exists in.

Almost every community has one cranky old retired geriatric with a pick-up truck, willing to haul rotten produce to a community composting site…

Almost every community has a “community garden.”

Almost every community has a swarm of people trying desperately to cut down their food bills, by growing their own produce in their backyards…

(Oh… I get it…)

I guess the stockholders in Publix would get P.O.’d if the chain did anything to enrich the communities they actually do business in. After all, they might lose the ability to sell tomatoes at $4.00 a pound…

Wait! I know why Publix is doing this! They’re trying to clean up their image! They also rolled out their new “art in front of our store” extravaganza…

I only have one question; “Without arms, how’s that naked lady gonna carry her groceries?”

I gotta go now, my wife says I need to… say it with me… take out the garbage… LOL!

Stay tuned!