Category Archives: Comedy

Argh! The “Holidaze” are here! HELP!

Wake up, people!

What are you waiting for?

Get your overcoats on! It’s time to go Hanukkah/Christmas Shopping!

Grab it now, before it all ends up in “Layaway!”

If you call yourself a p-p-p-patriot, you’d better get up off your sorry butt and do something to save the America Economy!

So get out there and heat up those credit cards!

And at night, when you’re dog-tired from fighting the masses, trying to get “just the right anatomically correct Barbie Doll” for that niece (or even that nephew in San Francisco)…

barbie-2009

… you can sit by the fire and ponder a whole new set of “seemingly improbable” (if you’ve been reading the WSJ) events like:

  • A virgin birth, and…
  • Some people rising from the dead, and…
  • How some fat old man can bring presents to every child on the planet in one night without ever being seen, and…
  • Why it is our duty as Americans to spend more than we can afford on presents for people that often don’t appreciate them, so that…
  • Multi-National conglomerates can pay obscene bonuses to people who never even begin to deserve them, while in order to pay for them… American taxpayers take it up the… um… er… never mind…
  • While our newly elected President gets the Nobel Peace Prize for surviving 14 days of the Presidency…

Oy… I’m getting a headache already…

    And the people say…

    Amen.

    the-lexinator

    My thanks to Julia B. who unknowingly contributed to this post… 😉
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    It’s Official: U.S. Leads World in Wind Energy

    The United States has taken over from previous champion Germany…

    …in wind power production. For this honor, the USA has only to give thanks to nature and human resourcefulness.

    Nature has gifted the USA with much stronger winds than Germany.

    Providence (or inbreeding) has gifted the US with an overabundance of  “political poltroons bent on public stupidity.”

    Hence… all the hot air!

    Why? Because we have more politicians, that’s why! Aren’t you paying attention? Do I have to use CRAYONS here? Argh!

    Apparently, somebody at the American Wind Energy Association (probably in the mail room), said that in the US, wind energy capacity is growing faster than anyplace else.

    I can only assume it’s because this “expert” gets first crack at all the donation solicitations being sent from Washington DC.

    But if we try to view those stats differently, Germany harnesses seven percent of their power from wind and Denmark generates twenty percent of power from wind.

    Hmmm… Which means it may not only by due to political hot air after all. It might be something else… I know! Maybe it’s the beer! I mean, they drink in Germany, but I’ve been to Denmark, and THEY really know how to “slam a stout,” let me tell you…

    Per capita these Danish Pilsner-Swillers can drink you under a table faster than you can say; “Obama is yo mama!”

    Strangely enough… Wind energy only constitutes 1.2% of total power consumption in America.

    I think it’s because it’s spread out over more square mileage…

    The American Wind Energy Association also estimates that by the end of the year 2012, some 7,500MW of wind energy will be brought online in America.

    Why? Because it’s the next “Election year…” duh! There will be enough hot air floating around to make the warm Santana Winds that sweep in off the desert look like a defective hairdryer!

    And due to the economy taking more tumbles than Mary Lou Retton, layoffs will be at an alltime high. This will lead to more consumption of that blessed brew (and we ain’t talking “mountain grown Folgers,” either!) and the creation of even more warm expelled gases.

    6801201P MARY LOU RETTON

    Man, I’d like to give Mary Lou Retton a tumble or two… Wait… I think that I married her clone! I mean… my wife looks kinda like her… She’s short, and really flexible, she has that “Mary Lou dark hair thing goin’,  and she can “go acrobatic on yer butt…” wait… my wife has much bigger boobs… and she’s really violent… not “sports-minded at all,” not even a little bit… and come to think of it, I’ve never seen her in a leotard… never mind…

    Though the wind industry, “strengthened” (now there’s a laugh) by the Stimulus Bill,  will try to absorb the shock of all this “wind…” once gain, the ultimate brunt will be borne by the American consumer.

    So, buy your gas masks while you can! We have them in several designer colors, and one size fits all! Don’t delay! Act Now! Limit of three to a customer! We accept Gold, Silver, and “favors…” But none of that “devalued green folding stuff.” That sh@t is worthless! Not even the Europeans will take it!

    gas-masks1Obama wants to double U.S. alternative energy output over three years.

    And you know what THAT means… Experts are already saying that because of the Stimulus Bill, American Government will have to increase in size, just to support it! Talk about “Hot Air!” I just hope it doesn’t blow us out of orbit!

    Talk about Global Climate Change! We’ll probably end up out there by… say it with me; “Uranus!”

    Oh, stop groaning… You laughed! Admit it! Okay, don’t! I don’t care… 🙂

    It’s clear that the Congress must put clean energy solutions into its top agenda because the unemployment rate is already at a 20-year high and the economy needs a push in the right direction (and we’re not talking about “pants propulsion” here, folks!). Wind power projects can generate jobs and at the same time they can reduce America’s dependence on foreign sources of power generation.

    As long as we don’t run out of bottle openers, beer taps, or band-aids for those pesky “twist off cap” injuries!

    Now the ball is in the legislatures’ court.

    Get your Congressman to expel some of that hot air for a worthy cause! You can make a difference!

    the-lexinatorPS: Your mileage may vary. Offers do not include destination taxes, prep charges, depth charges, shape charges, or anything resembling personal defense equipment. Don’t run with scissors, talk to strangers, or eat Halloween candy without inspection. Drink your milk, eat your vegetables, and a good stiff belt of Scotch will cure nearly anything that ails you. If illness or irritability continues, increase dosage. I am not a doctor, I just play on on TV and in the garage…

    Headline Havoc!

    Hi Lexinator,

    I’ve built up a huge craving for some mocking, but there’s just too much good material to select from.  Thus, the voices in my head will just go after the headlines today.

    9 Muslim passengers kicked off flight after remark

    And that really pissed Abdul or whatever his name is because it was only his daughter doing her homework that scared the other passengers.

    Yeah, what’s the world coming to when a ten year old can’t practice beheading techniques without causing a fuss.

    Ooh, that Barbie & Ken Loose Their Heads play set is just too darn cute.

    Palin Says New Parents Levi and Bristol ‘Working Their Butts Off’

    That’s the first time I’ve heard it called “working.”

    Ah, our wife works late a lot.  Maybe we should hire a detective…

    Cuba celebrates 50 years of revolution

    Or else!

    Wall Street Gets New Year Bump

    And grind baby! 

    That’s not much of a surprise.  All that free money from Congress has to go somewhere.

    Republicans want say in stimulus plan

    That’s a typo.  It was supposed to say they want a “cut of the stimulus plan.”

    What are those people smoking on Capital Hill anyway?

    Well, with Smoking Nazi Pelosi running things we know it’s not tobacco.

    12900 Year Old Nanodiamonds Found in North America

    And then quickly lost.  Damn, but those things are tiny.

    Obama Wraps Up His Hawaiian Vacation

    And suicide rates jumped 500% as the entire State suffered massive depression.

    I heard he walked back.

    Being able to walk on water would sure make fishing easier.

    Senate GOP to block attempt to seat Franken early

    I think they should give it to Al.

    Yep.  What better way to say that Congress is a joke that putting Al Franken in the Senate.

    Wait, didn’t they already do that with Ted Kennedy?

    But he’s brain dead.

    And this is some sudden change?

    Australia Says It May Accept Guantánamo Bay Detainees

    And they should fit in there quite nicely.

    I’m getting a vision of suicide bomber kangaroos.

    It’ll go away if you cut back on the Scotch intake.

    I can live with it.

    New Year’s Eve car burnings up in France

    I can’t believe the French had a good idea.

    I can’t believe the French can figure out how to strike a match.

    They probably out sourced the work.

    Still, letting gangs of roaming lunatics burn cars at random sounds like a cheaper way of saving our auto industry than letting Congress solve the problem.

    Sounds like more fun too.

    Maybe we should let gangs of roaming lunatics burn Congress members?

    Can’t argue with that.

    Nope.

    Karl Lagerfeld defends fur industry saying ‘beasts’ would kill us if we didn’t kill them

    Can’t argue with that.  Remember that rabbit that almost got Carter?

    Or the deer that kicked the crap out of that guy on When Animals Attack.

    I wonder what kind of critter is going to make an attempt on Obama?

    Probably whatever dog they buy for use as a publicity gimmick.

    French warship thwarts Somali pirate attack…

    God, how embarrassing that had to be!

    And the winner of the worst pirates of the year goes to…

    Ship to ship taunting.  At least the French are keeping up their military development.

    COMIC KATHY LASHES OUT AT HECKLER ON CNN

    And in the most surprising news flash ever – Kathy Griffin is still a drunk whore!

    I heard she gave up booze and switched to crack.

    Heroin.

    Crack AND heroin.

    I heard she tried to ball the ball.

    I heard she came on to Bill Clinton and he passed her up for a night with Hillary.

    I heard he passed her up for a night with Al Gore.

    Inauguration Madness

    Join us, won’t you…

    For another exciting episode of;

    wtf

    Now, I know that you guys have heard the rumor, started by the likes of Pat Robertson, that aside from being spawned under a rock, in Richard Nixon’s Western White House garden, I’m also illiterate, and don’t read too good, either…

    But…

    Chicago Sun-Times columnist Mary Mitchell reports that among the guests at Barack Obama’s inauguration may be three boys from Los Angeles County, California, who broke into a house and beat up the old lady inside. Doctors said that the “old lady” was beaten so severely, that authorities feared she might suffer permanent brain damage.

    No, I’m not kidding. This has actually been verified, through “reliable sources.”

    The little bastards… um… er… perps are inmates at Camp Afflerbaugh in LaVerne, Calif., a program for juvenile offenders that aims “to reunify the minor and family, to reintegrate the minor into the community and to assist the minor in achieving a productive, crime free life.”

    In other words, it’s a summer camp for under-aged felons, who aren’t old enough to be sent to prison, where they belong.

    An Afflerbaugh employee tells Mitchell, in the columnist’s words, “that on Thursday, the minors were taken to be measured for tuxedos and that a judge has approved the trip”:

    That same employee was heard to exclaim; “Merry Christmas to all, and to all…” Wait… that’s not it… “I can’t believe that they would do that for three criminals who assaulted an old lady in her home!”

    What in the hell is Obama thinking?

    These “youth boot camps” are usually run by hard-nosed jarheads who love to entertain the troops, while they bludgeon them into shape. I can just hear the exercise chants now…

    “Kill your neighbors, harm your friend,  you’ll get to the White House in the end…”

    Of all the kids Obama’s people could have chosen to help celebrate Obama’s inauguration, they choose three street thugs who tried to kill a senior citizen during a home invasion robbery. What the hell is this world coming to?

    (Picture lexinator shaking his head…)

    And for the curious, or the Republicans, among you… this isn’t an “Obama” thing, it’s a “stupidity” thing…

    “The times, they are a changin…” Christmas!

    Remember way back when, when you were a kid, and “Santa’s Appearance” loomed large in your tiny little sugar fueled cranium? Well, do ya, punk?

    I remember wanting a bike, a new telescope, and something that didn’t resemble my mother’s cooking… anything. That woman couldn’t cook her way out of a paper bag!

    But folks, times are changing faster than you can say “Obama’s yo mama!”

    Kids just aren’t the same anymore. They used to want GI Joe’s, and Hot Wheels, and (gasp!) puppies. Now, they want guns, bombs, and weapons of mass destruction.

    And this means that even the Christmas Carols must change…

    “All I want for Christmas is my blued front peep (sight)…”

    And to think I can remember when Santa didn’t even approve of Red Rider BB Guns because, “You’ll shoot your eye out.”

    But fear not! Help is on the way! (Courtesy of the St. Louis Dispatch!)

    santa-approved-guns

    Happy Hunting, you little bastards! Oy Vay!

    Gotta go now, Rudolph needs basting…

    Ho-ho-ho!