Author Archives: mistermanly

Headline Havoc!

Hi Lexinator,

I’ve built up a huge craving for some mocking, but there’s just too much good material to select from.  Thus, the voices in my head will just go after the headlines today.

9 Muslim passengers kicked off flight after remark

And that really pissed Abdul or whatever his name is because it was only his daughter doing her homework that scared the other passengers.

Yeah, what’s the world coming to when a ten year old can’t practice beheading techniques without causing a fuss.

Ooh, that Barbie & Ken Loose Their Heads play set is just too darn cute.

Palin Says New Parents Levi and Bristol ‘Working Their Butts Off’

That’s the first time I’ve heard it called “working.”

Ah, our wife works late a lot.  Maybe we should hire a detective…

Cuba celebrates 50 years of revolution

Or else!

Wall Street Gets New Year Bump

And grind baby! 

That’s not much of a surprise.  All that free money from Congress has to go somewhere.

Republicans want say in stimulus plan

That’s a typo.  It was supposed to say they want a “cut of the stimulus plan.”

What are those people smoking on Capital Hill anyway?

Well, with Smoking Nazi Pelosi running things we know it’s not tobacco.

12900 Year Old Nanodiamonds Found in North America

And then quickly lost.  Damn, but those things are tiny.

Obama Wraps Up His Hawaiian Vacation

And suicide rates jumped 500% as the entire State suffered massive depression.

I heard he walked back.

Being able to walk on water would sure make fishing easier.

Senate GOP to block attempt to seat Franken early

I think they should give it to Al.

Yep.  What better way to say that Congress is a joke that putting Al Franken in the Senate.

Wait, didn’t they already do that with Ted Kennedy?

But he’s brain dead.

And this is some sudden change?

Australia Says It May Accept Guantánamo Bay Detainees

And they should fit in there quite nicely.

I’m getting a vision of suicide bomber kangaroos.

It’ll go away if you cut back on the Scotch intake.

I can live with it.

New Year’s Eve car burnings up in France

I can’t believe the French had a good idea.

I can’t believe the French can figure out how to strike a match.

They probably out sourced the work.

Still, letting gangs of roaming lunatics burn cars at random sounds like a cheaper way of saving our auto industry than letting Congress solve the problem.

Sounds like more fun too.

Maybe we should let gangs of roaming lunatics burn Congress members?

Can’t argue with that.

Nope.

Karl Lagerfeld defends fur industry saying ‘beasts’ would kill us if we didn’t kill them

Can’t argue with that.  Remember that rabbit that almost got Carter?

Or the deer that kicked the crap out of that guy on When Animals Attack.

I wonder what kind of critter is going to make an attempt on Obama?

Probably whatever dog they buy for use as a publicity gimmick.

French warship thwarts Somali pirate attack…

God, how embarrassing that had to be!

And the winner of the worst pirates of the year goes to…

Ship to ship taunting.  At least the French are keeping up their military development.

COMIC KATHY LASHES OUT AT HECKLER ON CNN

And in the most surprising news flash ever – Kathy Griffin is still a drunk whore!

I heard she gave up booze and switched to crack.

Heroin.

Crack AND heroin.

I heard she tried to ball the ball.

I heard she came on to Bill Clinton and he passed her up for a night with Hillary.

I heard he passed her up for a night with Al Gore.

Madonna’s new show?!

By Rebecca Brody
13:00, August 26th 2008

Madonna’s Political Beliefs – Part Of Her Own Show

Madonna proved once again that sparking controversy is definitely her thing.

Apparently, anything that “sparkles” is her thing. She’s a materialistic skank! Don’t you listen to her “music?”

No.  I pay good money to a protection agency to keep that noise away from me.  A large man in a dark suit follows me around and, at the first note of any Madonna song, he slaps a headset on me playing a random heavy metal number at peak volume.  He’s quite good at it.  So far I’ve only heard two consecutive notes of her “music.”

Is this that same loon that illegally “adopted” an “orphan” kid who already had a dad? Uh-oh…

That’s just plain scary!

Damn straight!  God, it looks like she could squeeze your dick off without working up a sweat.

I’d point out that it also looks like she’d enjoy it.

“The Undead” are like that. “Child-Stealing Undead” are much worse!

Relax! Her vagina has been pounded more than bread dough! It’ll be okay… But I suggest you wear a blindfold! And protection. Don’t forget protection. I suggest the “Third Marines.”

However, the Material Girl did not count on sex or religious issues this time, as she preferred to turn to politics.

Hell, she’s already pissed off the Catholics and the Jews! Who was left? The Scientologists?

I thought she was a Scientologist.

Nah, she was just scheming on Tom Ooze… um… er… Cruise.

You shouldn’t piss off “Jews.” They can hold a grudge for thousands of years, lemme tell you…

She is a Jew.

No, she isn’t a Jew. She was only foolin… to get attention.

Naw.  She’s into Kabbalah, so that makes her a Kabbalahwallaist.

Same thing, except crazy.

Are you implying that Kabbalists are “crazy?” Okay, that’s it. I’m putting you on “my list…”

Notwithstanding the fact that celebrities and political matters don’t really have common ground, the pop icon kicked off her Sticky & Sweet world tour on Saturday night lashing out at Senator John McCain.

More like the “Skanky and Stinky” tour. And she wasn’t exactly “lashing out,” she was thousands of miles away, using the Atlantic Ocean to hide behind.

She’s bigger than the Atlantic Ocean.  After all the times she’s been banged …

TMI! TMI! Ewwww!

Don’t even go there, and if you just must, use a condom.

Use two.  That’ll help with your little problem.

Forget that! Just use a telephone! You shouldn’t be in the same room with that skank!

And we’re sorry to hear about your “little problem.” Just remember,  “it ain’t the size of the boat, it’s the motion in the ocean!” So, what’s your “dinghy’s” name? Hmmm?

So, when it comes to Madonna, don’t; “Just Say NO!” Say; “Not Just NO!, But OH HELL NO!” Am I Right?

That surely drew some attention, I’d say.

Only from those kiss-ass brown-nosers at the tabloid media!

Well, the Grand Canyon draws a lot of attention too.

Similar sized “canyons” too…

I went to the Grand Canyon on vacation last year. That explains the smell, I thought it was the donkeys…

During her four-act show which took place in Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, Wales, Madonna chose to display a couple of political montages while performing “Get Stupid.”

More like “the three ringed circus…” And who better to perform “Get Stupid?” It was probably autobiographical.

Seriously, you can’t expect someone with her reputation to get shorty.

Are you sure? What was your “dinghy’s” name, again?

The much talked about video interlude included a sequence of images bringing together shocking representations of destruction and global warming on the one hand, and Nazi leader Adolf Hitler, Zimbabwe’s dictator Robert Mugabe and Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential candidate, on the other hand.

Yeah, what says “It’s hard being the President” better than pointing out all the evil bastards you face on a daily basis, as the ruler of the free world? She left out Sadaam Hussein, and Osama Bin Laden, though… Drat!

That was for tax purposes.  She’s dating them, so using their images would mean she’d have to cut them in on the royalties and pay their Social Security and health care.

Ah, I hate to break this to you but, SADAAM IS DEAD!

Of course he is, but Madonna has always had, well, rather odd taste in men.

Yeah!  She likes them stiff.

I’ve always known that Madonna was one of the “Undead.” So, it shouldn’t make a difference as long as they’re “stiff.”  Right?

Nevertheless, Madonna didn’t stop here. Another montage played later on in the show depicted slain Beatle John Lennon, environmental activist Al Gore, Mahatma Gandhi and alleged Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama all together.

And, again, another brilliant illustration! Madonna is a genius! She’s obviously demonstrating that Democrats are whining cry-babies who line their pockets with every “get rich” and ” global warming” scheme they can think of… And they do this, while wishing they were Gandhi! Because Gandhi didn’t pay income tax!

Were they singing “Kumbaya?”

Nope. I heard it was “Hakuna-Matata!” from “Lion King.”

That wasn’t very obvious, was it, Madonna? More than 40,000 fans were present at the singer’s show and, ready or not, they found out whose side Madonna was on.

She’s on “her” backside. Just ask A-Rod.

I heard they gave away free beer. Nothing attracts the Welsh, like free beer! See? Not even bad music will keep them away!

You’d think the beer would go bad by the end of the first song.

The Welsh don’t care. Ever eaten English food? It could be “bad,” and you’d never know it. It always tastes like that! Blah!

Obviously, John McCain’s people were not at all pleased with the superstar’s little games, finding the links offensive. “The comparisons are outrageous, unacceptable and crudely divisive all at the same time. It clearly shows that when it comes to supporting Barack Obama, his fellow worldwide celebrities refuse to consider any smear or attack off limits,” the senator’s spokesman Tucker Bounds said, as quoted by Fox News.

I think they give her too much credit. I think she was just manipulating the press to get some attention. I mean, really.  She’s become the poster child for “Man, I may be rich, but there isn’t enough money in the world to cure this much ugly.”

I don’t see the problem with being compared to Hitler.  Sure, after the syphilis and the drugs got to him, he turned into a real prick, but having a McHitler for President would sure make the Russians sing a different tune.  Really, Pootin will have President Obama kissing his KGB ass within a month.

In addition to this, the controversial comments went even further: “It’s a disappointing and vulgar attack on John McCain, who has devoted his life to the cause of freedom and the fight against tyranny,” Taylor Griffin, another spokesperson for the Republican said, according to the Los Angeles Times.

Well, to be fair, Taylor does get paid to say stuff like that.  But evidently, he’s got McCain confused with Batman… I bet Stan Lee sues him!

They should hire Peter Griffin.

The 50-year-old singer is known for her contentious and divisive shows, as she constantly uses disturbing videos or language in her concerts. For instance, she used images that offended the Catholic Church a few years ago and, on her last tour, she displayed Kabbalah images, thus upsetting Jews.

And don’t think she’s gonna get away with it, “zol dir platsn di gal!” Revenge is a dish best served “Ice Cold.”

Wait! That’s “Jewspeak” for; “May her gall bladder burst!” Right?

I seem to recall that she lost her gall bladder during a photo shoot for “Sex.”  She still has at least one kidney left, if you want to reword the curse.

That wasn’t her gall bladder, it was her diaphragm shooting out of her crotch! But, It’s in a lower orbit now, so don’t worry. NASA says it’ll probably burn up on re-entry…

Moreover, Madonna was involved in a verbal quarrel with renowned musician Elton John, who claimed that Guy Ritchie’s spouse lip-synched to music recordings while performing her so-called live acts. However, the star said that some of the yoga moves she made on stage were an impediment to live singing, giving Elton John the chance to say that fans did not pay to learn yoga, but to attend a singing concert.

And who knows more about music than the “King of Queens?” Huh? Go Elvis… er… um… Sir Elton!

Hey, I’d spend $150 to see a scantily clad, geriatric skant perfoming yoga, to a stinky beat… Wait, no I wouldn’t.

Her yoga moves are an impediment to my appetite.  God, I’ll never be able to eat fish again!

Man, this is better than Jenny Craig! Think of the weight we’ll lose! That means we can drink more beer!

Madonna’s latest show was split into four different parts: “gangsta pimp, rave, gypsy and old school.” Her stage outfits were selected from the 3,500 items of clothing reportedly created by 36 designers exclusively for the pop icon’s world tour.

That just goes to show you what lengths you have to go to, to try and look “presentable” when you’re “Madonna.”

Another bit of trivia is that she had to hire a full time accountant for the show, to make sure she consistently counted to 4 correctly.

And I heard that she still got it wrong! The accountant must have been a “Gentile.”

She is expected to perform in more than 50 locations, including 16 stages in Europe. The Sticky & Sweet Tour continues through Europe until the end of September and debuts in the United States on October 4 in New Jersey.

They’re really going to let her back in!?  Something tells me we’re going to regret this decision.

So, by the time she gets here, the “Sticky and Sweet” tour will have gone rancid. It’s Madonna, no one will be able to tell the difference.

Madonna is scheduled to perform in San Diego on November 4, Election Day.

“Marge! Get the rifle, and the hollow-points… We’re going hunting…”

Now, now!  None of that!  If you run around shooting all the skank celebrities we won’t have anything to write about.

Maybe not, but my side job as a “tombstone carver” is looking up! I’ll make her marker look like labia! That way, it won’t even need any name on it!

Can’t we just “wing” her a little bit? It’s not like anybody would know… She’s always on her back!