Monthly Archives: January 2009

Headline Havoc!

Hi Lexinator,

I’ve built up a huge craving for some mocking, but there’s just too much good material to select from.  Thus, the voices in my head will just go after the headlines today.

9 Muslim passengers kicked off flight after remark

And that really pissed Abdul or whatever his name is because it was only his daughter doing her homework that scared the other passengers.

Yeah, what’s the world coming to when a ten year old can’t practice beheading techniques without causing a fuss.

Ooh, that Barbie & Ken Loose Their Heads play set is just too darn cute.

Palin Says New Parents Levi and Bristol ‘Working Their Butts Off’

That’s the first time I’ve heard it called “working.”

Ah, our wife works late a lot.  Maybe we should hire a detective…

Cuba celebrates 50 years of revolution

Or else!

Wall Street Gets New Year Bump

And grind baby! 

That’s not much of a surprise.  All that free money from Congress has to go somewhere.

Republicans want say in stimulus plan

That’s a typo.  It was supposed to say they want a “cut of the stimulus plan.”

What are those people smoking on Capital Hill anyway?

Well, with Smoking Nazi Pelosi running things we know it’s not tobacco.

12900 Year Old Nanodiamonds Found in North America

And then quickly lost.  Damn, but those things are tiny.

Obama Wraps Up His Hawaiian Vacation

And suicide rates jumped 500% as the entire State suffered massive depression.

I heard he walked back.

Being able to walk on water would sure make fishing easier.

Senate GOP to block attempt to seat Franken early

I think they should give it to Al.

Yep.  What better way to say that Congress is a joke that putting Al Franken in the Senate.

Wait, didn’t they already do that with Ted Kennedy?

But he’s brain dead.

And this is some sudden change?

Australia Says It May Accept Guantánamo Bay Detainees

And they should fit in there quite nicely.

I’m getting a vision of suicide bomber kangaroos.

It’ll go away if you cut back on the Scotch intake.

I can live with it.

New Year’s Eve car burnings up in France

I can’t believe the French had a good idea.

I can’t believe the French can figure out how to strike a match.

They probably out sourced the work.

Still, letting gangs of roaming lunatics burn cars at random sounds like a cheaper way of saving our auto industry than letting Congress solve the problem.

Sounds like more fun too.

Maybe we should let gangs of roaming lunatics burn Congress members?

Can’t argue with that.

Nope.

Karl Lagerfeld defends fur industry saying ‘beasts’ would kill us if we didn’t kill them

Can’t argue with that.  Remember that rabbit that almost got Carter?

Or the deer that kicked the crap out of that guy on When Animals Attack.

I wonder what kind of critter is going to make an attempt on Obama?

Probably whatever dog they buy for use as a publicity gimmick.

French warship thwarts Somali pirate attack…

God, how embarrassing that had to be!

And the winner of the worst pirates of the year goes to…

Ship to ship taunting.  At least the French are keeping up their military development.

COMIC KATHY LASHES OUT AT HECKLER ON CNN

And in the most surprising news flash ever – Kathy Griffin is still a drunk whore!

I heard she gave up booze and switched to crack.

Heroin.

Crack AND heroin.

I heard she tried to ball the ball.

I heard she came on to Bill Clinton and he passed her up for a night with Hillary.

I heard he passed her up for a night with Al Gore.

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