I want THIS for Christmas!

Last night, as visions of bailouts danced in my head, like mutated Ford shaped sugarplums, I started thinking that, at the rate things are going, we may never have a new American-made car in the driveway again! The US Automakers claim they’re going broke, and they want billions of taxpayer bucks so that they can continue building the same old shoddy, over-priced products that got them into this predicament in the first place!

My 1990 GMC pickup may be old, but I got it free because some relative died, and I’m pretty sure it could take whatever rolled off the Detroit assembly lines this year in a demolition derby.

Buddy, I’ve seen your truck!  It looks like it’s already BEEN in a demolition derby. I’m surprised the cops let you drive that death-trap around town! LOL!

Now, I know you’re gasping at my seemingly un-American position here, but think about it for a minute. I admit, I love American cars. Nothing is finer than a million horsepower, wrapped in Detroit steel, with Pink Floyd blaring in the background!

But… many “other” companies build cars here, now. And they’re NOT going broke. In fact, some of them are making pretty good cash. And, they’re building pretty good cars, too.

They’re broke because their managers didn’t have the balls to stand up to the UAW.  Damn Yankees.  You should also take notice that the car companies that are doing fine are located in the South.

Of course the successful car companies are located in the south! That’s where all the baling wire, and empty beer cans are! Duh!

So, I turned on the news this morning, only to find out that the Automakers had returned to Washington DC, looking for an even bigger handout than before. You’d think that after they got their asses handed to them for flying into DC in private jets, and then being delivered to the doorstep by limousine, they’d have put on beggar’s clothing, and settled for whatever the powers that be would toss in their direction.

I think they were taking turns under the Committee’s table.  Since they still haven’t been paid, they obviously weren’t very good.

TMI! TMI! I guess that explains that old rumor; “Nothing sucks like being a politician…” And now I understand all those “intern/page” stories coming out of DC… LOL!

You’d think that, but you’d be wrong! As I sat there shaking my head in my “bailout induced stupor,” my wife reminded me that once again, the kid had consumed all the milk in the house. So, although deeply troubled by the economic state of the union, I headed out, eager to make the Walton clan even richer… before the baby started crying.

I just got a $1,500 bill for getting my tractor back in working order, so where’s my Government money!?  I need it more than the damn auto companies, and if you don’t believe me just try loading a 5′ x 5′ bail of hay by hand.

Hey, a knuckle-dragger like you shouldn’t have any trouble toting a decent sized hay bale around. Don’t you get bailouts in the form of “farm subsidies” for that kinda stuff? I mean, aren’t farmers rich?

So, I spent the morning watching kids run through the aisles of WalMart, screaming like little demons;

“I want this! I want that!”

Ah, those were the days…

When you get older, it’s harder to figure out what you really want, and buying gifts for that “special someone” get trickier. After all, nothing sucks more gas than a Christmas Stocking filled with odor-eater athletic socks… lemme tell you!

It’s not harder when you’re older, unless you take the right pills.

I’d say it’s also easier to know what you really want as the years pile up – TO BE YOUNGER!

Okay, so correct me if I’m seeing this wrong. You’re saying we should wish to be younger, and be on medication? I already did that, in the 70’s! I miss the 70’s…

Speaking of “sucking gas…”

Here’s a lil sucker I’d love to see in my stocking, come Christmas morning!  The Acrea Zest is a little plastic car available in Europe.
acrea-zest-plastic_car

It’s made of PLASTIC! No kidding!

And those who drive it deserve to die.

No, they deserve to zoom around thumbing their noses at the rest of the smog-belching traffic. Oh wait… then they’d be FRENCH. Never mind…

It has no top at all, and the floors are drilled out to allow the rain (and probably “passenger pee-pee,” from fright!) to pass right through, onto the pavement…

And that works great in Memphis, for at least 5 days a year.  Beyond that it’s either too hot or too cold to drive a topless car.  Besides, that tiny thing couldn’t possibly carry a powerful enough sound system to let you hear the music over the wind noise.

So get a jacket, a tank top, or an iPod, you dolt! You can do it… I know you can! And, you’d  have all that extra money, to keep that money-pit of a tractor of yours running…

Now, I’m not sure how environmentalists are gonna feel about using your car to distribute your body fluids throughout the neighborhood, on your way home from a night of drinking beer and playing darts with the boys, but…

According to press releases, this lil beauty is built out of recycled plastic. You know, like empty 2 liter bottles of soda, water, and booze… so it’s environmentally friendly. So, this baby weighs about 1/3 that of a “typical” vehicle. Because it’s so light, it has a tiny little gas engine that gets 66 miles per gallon, and has a top speed of 65+ miles per hour. It’s built “symmetrically,” so it can also do over 60 MPH in reverse!

This is SWEET! They go for around $16,400 (US), and I think I want one for Christmas! What can I say? I admit it… Even though I’m Jewish, I “double-dip.”

Are you listening, Santa? HELLO?

Just like you Jews – always trying to double up.

Don’t be hatin’! You’re just jealous because we know a good thing when we see it…

Okay… Maybe not. The last time I did 60 MPH in a plastic vehicle, my jackass of a father was dragging me behind his pickup truck in my wagon. While I screamed like a little girl, he hollered that it was “to teach me a life lesson.”

I’m still not positive what that “lesson” actually was, but I suspect that it had something to do with the dangers of dragging a little kid behind your truck at 60 MPH after you’ve been drinking scotch all morning. All I know is that I’m still picking the gravel out of my knees!

Thanks dad… You Bastard!

Come on!  Your dad was cool!  Mine never spent any quality time with me at all, and his idea of a wild time was having half a beer with supper.  Give me the wagon pull any day.

And I happen to know that Mister Manly has enough empty plastic Scotch bottles in his backyard, to build a fleet of these. So Santa, if you run outta material… LOL!

Damn straight and growing daily!  And I will gladly trade them to the Big Three in equal exchange for full bottles.  Oh, and blow jobs for my gay friends.

Exactly how many gay friends do you have? After all, those billions the Big Three are trying to panhandle would equal how many blow-jobs? I’m not sure that there are that many gay men in America! Better buy them some chapstick, too!

And they do too come with tops!  There’s a hardtop model, a soft-top model, and even a topless… um… er… never mind. And there’s even a “camouflage” version. Admit it, you know you want one,  if only to zoom around and scare your livestock!

And, I suspect that if GM had built a few of these babies, they wouldn’t be broke...

Perhaps, but they would be in court.

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One response to “I want THIS for Christmas!

  1. Pingback: Environment and nature » Blog Archive » I want THIS for Christmas!

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