Monthly Archives: August 2008

Madonna’s new show?!

By Rebecca Brody
13:00, August 26th 2008

Madonna’s Political Beliefs – Part Of Her Own Show

Madonna proved once again that sparking controversy is definitely her thing.

Apparently, anything that “sparkles” is her thing. She’s a materialistic skank! Don’t you listen to her “music?”

No.  I pay good money to a protection agency to keep that noise away from me.  A large man in a dark suit follows me around and, at the first note of any Madonna song, he slaps a headset on me playing a random heavy metal number at peak volume.  He’s quite good at it.  So far I’ve only heard two consecutive notes of her “music.”

Is this that same loon that illegally “adopted” an “orphan” kid who already had a dad? Uh-oh…

That’s just plain scary!

Damn straight!  God, it looks like she could squeeze your dick off without working up a sweat.

I’d point out that it also looks like she’d enjoy it.

“The Undead” are like that. “Child-Stealing Undead” are much worse!

Relax! Her vagina has been pounded more than bread dough! It’ll be okay… But I suggest you wear a blindfold! And protection. Don’t forget protection. I suggest the “Third Marines.”

However, the Material Girl did not count on sex or religious issues this time, as she preferred to turn to politics.

Hell, she’s already pissed off the Catholics and the Jews! Who was left? The Scientologists?

I thought she was a Scientologist.

Nah, she was just scheming on Tom Ooze… um… er… Cruise.

You shouldn’t piss off “Jews.” They can hold a grudge for thousands of years, lemme tell you…

She is a Jew.

No, she isn’t a Jew. She was only foolin… to get attention.

Naw.  She’s into Kabbalah, so that makes her a Kabbalahwallaist.

Same thing, except crazy.

Are you implying that Kabbalists are “crazy?” Okay, that’s it. I’m putting you on “my list…”

Notwithstanding the fact that celebrities and political matters don’t really have common ground, the pop icon kicked off her Sticky & Sweet world tour on Saturday night lashing out at Senator John McCain.

More like the “Skanky and Stinky” tour. And she wasn’t exactly “lashing out,” she was thousands of miles away, using the Atlantic Ocean to hide behind.

She’s bigger than the Atlantic Ocean.  After all the times she’s been banged …

TMI! TMI! Ewwww!

Don’t even go there, and if you just must, use a condom.

Use two.  That’ll help with your little problem.

Forget that! Just use a telephone! You shouldn’t be in the same room with that skank!

And we’re sorry to hear about your “little problem.” Just remember,  “it ain’t the size of the boat, it’s the motion in the ocean!” So, what’s your “dinghy’s” name? Hmmm?

So, when it comes to Madonna, don’t; “Just Say NO!” Say; “Not Just NO!, But OH HELL NO!” Am I Right?

That surely drew some attention, I’d say.

Only from those kiss-ass brown-nosers at the tabloid media!

Well, the Grand Canyon draws a lot of attention too.

Similar sized “canyons” too…

I went to the Grand Canyon on vacation last year. That explains the smell, I thought it was the donkeys…

During her four-act show which took place in Millennium Stadium in Cardiff, Wales, Madonna chose to display a couple of political montages while performing “Get Stupid.”

More like “the three ringed circus…” And who better to perform “Get Stupid?” It was probably autobiographical.

Seriously, you can’t expect someone with her reputation to get shorty.

Are you sure? What was your “dinghy’s” name, again?

The much talked about video interlude included a sequence of images bringing together shocking representations of destruction and global warming on the one hand, and Nazi leader Adolf Hitler, Zimbabwe’s dictator Robert Mugabe and Senator John McCain, the presumptive Republican presidential candidate, on the other hand.

Yeah, what says “It’s hard being the President” better than pointing out all the evil bastards you face on a daily basis, as the ruler of the free world? She left out Sadaam Hussein, and Osama Bin Laden, though… Drat!

That was for tax purposes.  She’s dating them, so using their images would mean she’d have to cut them in on the royalties and pay their Social Security and health care.

Ah, I hate to break this to you but, SADAAM IS DEAD!

Of course he is, but Madonna has always had, well, rather odd taste in men.

Yeah!  She likes them stiff.

I’ve always known that Madonna was one of the “Undead.” So, it shouldn’t make a difference as long as they’re “stiff.”  Right?

Nevertheless, Madonna didn’t stop here. Another montage played later on in the show depicted slain Beatle John Lennon, environmental activist Al Gore, Mahatma Gandhi and alleged Democratic presidential candidate Senator Barack Obama all together.

And, again, another brilliant illustration! Madonna is a genius! She’s obviously demonstrating that Democrats are whining cry-babies who line their pockets with every “get rich” and ” global warming” scheme they can think of… And they do this, while wishing they were Gandhi! Because Gandhi didn’t pay income tax!

Were they singing “Kumbaya?”

Nope. I heard it was “Hakuna-Matata!” from “Lion King.”

That wasn’t very obvious, was it, Madonna? More than 40,000 fans were present at the singer’s show and, ready or not, they found out whose side Madonna was on.

She’s on “her” backside. Just ask A-Rod.

I heard they gave away free beer. Nothing attracts the Welsh, like free beer! See? Not even bad music will keep them away!

You’d think the beer would go bad by the end of the first song.

The Welsh don’t care. Ever eaten English food? It could be “bad,” and you’d never know it. It always tastes like that! Blah!

Obviously, John McCain’s people were not at all pleased with the superstar’s little games, finding the links offensive. “The comparisons are outrageous, unacceptable and crudely divisive all at the same time. It clearly shows that when it comes to supporting Barack Obama, his fellow worldwide celebrities refuse to consider any smear or attack off limits,” the senator’s spokesman Tucker Bounds said, as quoted by Fox News.

I think they give her too much credit. I think she was just manipulating the press to get some attention. I mean, really.  She’s become the poster child for “Man, I may be rich, but there isn’t enough money in the world to cure this much ugly.”

I don’t see the problem with being compared to Hitler.  Sure, after the syphilis and the drugs got to him, he turned into a real prick, but having a McHitler for President would sure make the Russians sing a different tune.  Really, Pootin will have President Obama kissing his KGB ass within a month.

In addition to this, the controversial comments went even further: “It’s a disappointing and vulgar attack on John McCain, who has devoted his life to the cause of freedom and the fight against tyranny,” Taylor Griffin, another spokesperson for the Republican said, according to the Los Angeles Times.

Well, to be fair, Taylor does get paid to say stuff like that.  But evidently, he’s got McCain confused with Batman… I bet Stan Lee sues him!

They should hire Peter Griffin.

The 50-year-old singer is known for her contentious and divisive shows, as she constantly uses disturbing videos or language in her concerts. For instance, she used images that offended the Catholic Church a few years ago and, on her last tour, she displayed Kabbalah images, thus upsetting Jews.

And don’t think she’s gonna get away with it, “zol dir platsn di gal!” Revenge is a dish best served “Ice Cold.”

Wait! That’s “Jewspeak” for; “May her gall bladder burst!” Right?

I seem to recall that she lost her gall bladder during a photo shoot for “Sex.”  She still has at least one kidney left, if you want to reword the curse.

That wasn’t her gall bladder, it was her diaphragm shooting out of her crotch! But, It’s in a lower orbit now, so don’t worry. NASA says it’ll probably burn up on re-entry…

Moreover, Madonna was involved in a verbal quarrel with renowned musician Elton John, who claimed that Guy Ritchie’s spouse lip-synched to music recordings while performing her so-called live acts. However, the star said that some of the yoga moves she made on stage were an impediment to live singing, giving Elton John the chance to say that fans did not pay to learn yoga, but to attend a singing concert.

And who knows more about music than the “King of Queens?” Huh? Go Elvis… er… um… Sir Elton!

Hey, I’d spend $150 to see a scantily clad, geriatric skant perfoming yoga, to a stinky beat… Wait, no I wouldn’t.

Her yoga moves are an impediment to my appetite.  God, I’ll never be able to eat fish again!

Man, this is better than Jenny Craig! Think of the weight we’ll lose! That means we can drink more beer!

Madonna’s latest show was split into four different parts: “gangsta pimp, rave, gypsy and old school.” Her stage outfits were selected from the 3,500 items of clothing reportedly created by 36 designers exclusively for the pop icon’s world tour.

That just goes to show you what lengths you have to go to, to try and look “presentable” when you’re “Madonna.”

Another bit of trivia is that she had to hire a full time accountant for the show, to make sure she consistently counted to 4 correctly.

And I heard that she still got it wrong! The accountant must have been a “Gentile.”

She is expected to perform in more than 50 locations, including 16 stages in Europe. The Sticky & Sweet Tour continues through Europe until the end of September and debuts in the United States on October 4 in New Jersey.

They’re really going to let her back in!?  Something tells me we’re going to regret this decision.

So, by the time she gets here, the “Sticky and Sweet” tour will have gone rancid. It’s Madonna, no one will be able to tell the difference.

Madonna is scheduled to perform in San Diego on November 4, Election Day.

“Marge! Get the rifle, and the hollow-points… We’re going hunting…”

Now, now!  None of that!  If you run around shooting all the skank celebrities we won’t have anything to write about.

Maybe not, but my side job as a “tombstone carver” is looking up! I’ll make her marker look like labia! That way, it won’t even need any name on it!

Can’t we just “wing” her a little bit? It’s not like anybody would know… She’s always on her back!

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BLM Wages War Against A National Icon!!

Did you see this?

The Bureau of Land Management (BLM) has announced plans to kill America’s wild horses rather than effectively manage our wild natural heritage.

We have a Bureau of Land Management?  Why?  What do they do, sneak agents onto your lawn at night and trim the hedges to Government specifications?

I bet they do rich peoples’ lawns first.

And I bet that it takes twice as many of them to do the job as it would if they hired Mexicans like everyone else.

That’s right! The Bureau of Land Management (BLM) claims it can no longer afford to round up wild horses and confine them until it finds people to adopt them. So, the agency wants to euthanize these majestic wild beauties or sell them to the highest bidder “without limitation…”

Which translates into; “You can do whatever you want with them, even make “Purina Puppy Chow” outta them, if you want to.

Is it a Bureaus or an Agency?

Why don’t we just give the land back to the Indians, and they can worry about the horses?  They’re big on that stuff aren’t they?

I say trade the excess to the North Koreans in exchange for their nuclear reactors.  If our Environmental Wackos won;t let us build our own, we have to get them where ever we can.

Lemme do some math here…

There’s about 30,000 majestic Mustangs roaming the hills of America, versus about 3 million heads of beef cattle…

But the BLM claims that they can’t “allow horses to multiply unchecked on the range without causing an environmental disaster.”

Uh-huh… Can you say “Beef Cattle Lobbyists?” I knew you could…

Or could that be because horses aren’t a native species, so they have no natural predator?

Neither are cattle.

But they have a natural predator, us.  Speaking of which, let’s have steak tonight.

Good idea.

We can spend billions of dollars bombing the “third world” back into the “Stone Age,” but we can’t afford a few horses? And they’re horses that represent the “very spirit of our nation?”

Wild Mustangs are the “poster children” of freedom, determination, and our heritage. So obviously, they must die…

Horses don’t represent the spirit of our nation, whores do.

Not true.  It’s lobbyists.

Whores!

Lobbyists!

I hate to interrupt, but you’re both saying the same thing.



What?

Well, everything dies.

Except for Dick Clark.

And Keith Richards. Don’t forget Keith Richards.

And the BLM operates under the guise of being an “environmental” agency…

So, what would ole’ “Lexinator” do?

There are approximately 31,000 high, middle, and elementary schools that use the majestic Mustang, as their mascot. I even went to one of those schools! 11,160 of these schools reside within school districts that have agricultural programs. (I checked!)

So… Why not donate the horses to the schools, to use as “live mascots,” thus insuring their health and well-being, and eliminate the prospect of slaughter for dog food?

I’m positive that local communities would welcome the idea, and even the financial responsibility, to save these majestic (and LIVING) representations of AMERICAN FREEDOM from a death sentence inflicted by a callous and uncaring  government that has forgotten it’s roots…

Here’s an example of the petition that is circulating around. This one bears about 17,000 signatures, the last time I checked…

***************

Dear Government Asshole Bureaucrats;

That’s redundant.

Yeah, and I doubt there are 17,000 US citizens that can write.

They leave an X.

Um… that’s not it… Lemme start again…

Dear Director Caswell,

Is your first name DICK, perhaps?

(Okay, okay… I’ll stop… for now.)

No you won’t.  Check your contract.

I am deeply disappointed with your proposal to kill or sell-off wild horses in confinement rather than develop a management plan to return these majestic animals to the range where they belong.

There are over three million cattle grazing on federal land, while fewer than 30,000 wild horses roam free. Your agency has more wild horses in confinement than on the range. I urge you to strike a better balance between cattle ranching and wild horses that will truly preserve our wild horses.

Please consider alternatives such as expanded birth control programs, working with the National Park Service to add land to the range in areas where the horses already currently reside, and limiting the number of permits granted for mountain lion hunting to allow natural predation to control the herd population.

I’d close it like this:

“Think carefully, Caswell… After all, we know where your children go to school… you horse-hating piece of sh*t…

I don’t think he hates horses.  I think he’s a misguided cult leader who wants to send their souls off to meet the Holy space ship.  So, unless the horses provide a written protest of his actions, in triplicate, how do we know he;s not right?

I thought you were an atheist?

I am, but I don’t know all that much about horses.

Sincerely…

A friend of Mustangs… and even Shelby Cobras.

And of course, I wouldn’t do anything to Caswell’s kids. It’s not their fault that their dad is a dick. But I hope he gets kicked in the nuts by an errant hoof, the next time he’s hobnobbing it with the lobbyists at the “Polo Grounds…”

But then again, I’m a “bleeding-heart liberal pacifist…” right?

Don’t bet on it…

Publix takes out the garbage…

I was reading the Atlanta Business Chronicle the other day, looking for news of the Russians facing off with the Falcons or the Braves… After all, it’s been a day or so since they invaded Georgia, right?

(I know… I know… that’s not nice… I’m sorry… Actually, I’m appalled at the invasion of Georgia by the Russians, and I’m hoping the UN and the entire free-world come down on Putin and his cronies like a fat kid on a happy meal… Commie Bastards…)

And I read that a popular supermarket chain is actually paying someone to haul off their organic garbage…

Here’s the article;

(I didn’t get permission to reprint it, so if it disappears from the post soon, don’t blame me. It’s the lawyers fault! LOL!)

[Begin Article]

“Publix Super Markets partners with Organic Recovery”

Ever wonder what supermarkets do with those brown bananas or apples that have one too many bruises?

In the case of Publix, it will be recycled and turned into a high-power fertilizer.

The supermarket chain has partnered with Organic Recovery LLC, which debuted its first facility on Thursday in Pompano Beach, Fla.

The partnership works like this: Publix pays Organic Recovery to pick up the fruits, veggies, meats and bakery products that otherwise might end up in the dumpster. Organic Recovery turns it into liquid fertilizer, which is purchased by golf courses, homeowner associations and, eventually, individual homeowners.

The partnership is expected to increase Publix’s recycling rate by 25 to 30 percent in 33 stores. Organic Recovery’s goal is to serve all 84 Publix stores in Broward County by summer’s end.

Organic Recovery is planning two additional facilities in Lakeland, Fla., and Atlanta.

Lakeland-based Publix has 932 stores in Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, Alabama and Tennessee, including 140 stores in metro Atlanta.

[End of Article]

Here’s my beef;

Does this really make any sense?

They could have accomplished the same exact results (for free), by allowing local gardeners to come get the old produce and organics, for use as composting material, in each and every neighborhood that Publix co-exists in.

Almost every community has one cranky old retired geriatric with a pick-up truck, willing to haul rotten produce to a community composting site…

Almost every community has a “community garden.”

Almost every community has a swarm of people trying desperately to cut down their food bills, by growing their own produce in their backyards…

(Oh… I get it…)

I guess the stockholders in Publix would get P.O.’d if the chain did anything to enrich the communities they actually do business in. After all, they might lose the ability to sell tomatoes at $4.00 a pound…

Wait! I know why Publix is doing this! They’re trying to clean up their image! They also rolled out their new “art in front of our store” extravaganza…

I only have one question; “Without arms, how’s that naked lady gonna carry her groceries?”

I gotta go now, my wife says I need to… say it with me… take out the garbage… LOL!

Stay tuned!