It’s Official: U.S. Leads World in Wind Energy

The United States has taken over from previous champion Germany…

…in wind power production. For this honor, the USA has only to give thanks to nature and human resourcefulness.

Nature has gifted the USA with much stronger winds than Germany.

Providence (or inbreeding) has gifted the US with an overabundance of  “political poltroons bent on public stupidity.”

Hence… all the hot air!

Why? Because we have more politicians, that’s why! Aren’t you paying attention? Do I have to use CRAYONS here? Argh!

Apparently, somebody at the American Wind Energy Association (probably in the mail room), said that in the US, wind energy capacity is growing faster than anyplace else.

I can only assume it’s because this “expert” gets first crack at all the donation solicitations being sent from Washington DC.

But if we try to view those stats differently, Germany harnesses seven percent of their power from wind and Denmark generates twenty percent of power from wind.

Hmmm… Which means it may not only by due to political hot air after all. It might be something else… I know! Maybe it’s the beer! I mean, they drink in Germany, but I’ve been to Denmark, and THEY really know how to “slam a stout,” let me tell you…

Per capita these Danish Pilsner-Swillers can drink you under a table faster than you can say; “Obama is yo mama!”

Strangely enough… Wind energy only constitutes 1.2% of total power consumption in America.

I think it’s because it’s spread out over more square mileage…

The American Wind Energy Association also estimates that by the end of the year 2012, some 7,500MW of wind energy will be brought online in America.

Why? Because it’s the next “Election year…” duh! There will be enough hot air floating around to make the warm Santana Winds that sweep in off the desert look like a defective hairdryer!

And due to the economy taking more tumbles than Mary Lou Retton, layoffs will be at an alltime high. This will lead to more consumption of that blessed brew (and we ain’t talking “mountain grown Folgers,” either!) and the creation of even more warm expelled gases.

Man, I’d like to give Mary Lou Retton a tumble or two… Wait… I think that I married her clone! I mean… my wife looks kinda like her… She’s short, and really flexible, she has that “Mary Lou dark hair thing goin’,  and she can “go acrobatic on yer butt…” wait… my wife has much bigger boobs… and she’s really violent… not “sports-minded at all,” not even a little bit… and come to think of it, I’ve never seen her in a leotard… never mind…

Though the wind industry, “strengthened” (now there’s a laugh) by the Stimulus Bill,  will try to absorb the shock of all this “wind…” once gain, the ultimate brunt will be borne by the American consumer.

So, buy your gas masks while you can! We have them in several designer colors, and one size fits all! Don’t delay! Act Now! Limit of three to a customer! We accept Gold, Silver, and “favors…” But none of that “devalued green folding stuff.” That sh@t is worthless! Not even the Europeans will take it!

Obama wants to double U.S. alternative energy output over three years.

And you know what THAT means… Experts are already saying that because of the Stimulus Bill, American Government will have to increase in size, just to support it! Talk about “Hot Air!” I just hope it doesn’t blow us out of orbit!

Talk about Global Climate Change! We’ll probably end up out there by… say it with me; “Uranus!”

Oh, stop groaning… You laughed! Admit it! Okay, don’t! I don’t care…

It’s clear that the Congress must put clean energy solutions into its top agenda because the unemployment rate is already at a 20-year high and the economy needs a push in the right direction (and we’re not talking about “pants propulsion” here, folks!). Wind power projects can generate jobs and at the same time they can reduce America’s dependence on foreign sources of power generation.

As long as we don’t run out of bottle openers, beer taps, or band-aids for those pesky “twist off cap” injuries!

Now the ball is in the legislatures’ court.

Get your Congressman to expel some of that hot air for a worthy cause! You can make a difference!

PS: Your mileage may vary. Offers do not include destination taxes, prep charges, depth charges, shape charges, or anything resembling personal defense equipment. Don’t run with scissors, talk to strangers, or eat Halloween candy without inspection. Drink your milk, eat your vegetables, and a good stiff belt of Scotch will cure nearly anything that ails you. If illness or irritability continues, increase dosage. I am not a doctor, I just play on on TV and in the garage…

Headline Havoc!

Hi Lexinator,

I’ve built up a huge craving for some mocking, but there’s just too much good material to select from.  Thus, the voices in my head will just go after the headlines today.

9 Muslim passengers kicked off flight after remark

And that really pissed Abdul or whatever his name is because it was only his daughter doing her homework that scared the other passengers.

Yeah, what’s the world coming to when a ten year old can’t practice beheading techniques without causing a fuss.

Ooh, that Barbie & Ken Loose Their Heads play set is just too darn cute.

Palin Says New Parents Levi and Bristol ‘Working Their Butts Off’

That’s the first time I’ve heard it called “working.”

Ah, our wife works late a lot.  Maybe we should hire a detective…

Cuba celebrates 50 years of revolution

Or else!

Wall Street Gets New Year Bump

And grind baby! 

That’s not much of a surprise.  All that free money from Congress has to go somewhere.

Republicans want say in stimulus plan

That’s a typo.  It was supposed to say they want a “cut of the stimulus plan.”

What are those people smoking on Capital Hill anyway?

Well, with Smoking Nazi Pelosi running things we know it’s not tobacco.

12900 Year Old Nanodiamonds Found in North America

And then quickly lost.  Damn, but those things are tiny.

Obama Wraps Up His Hawaiian Vacation

And suicide rates jumped 500% as the entire State suffered massive depression.

I heard he walked back.

Being able to walk on water would sure make fishing easier.

Senate GOP to block attempt to seat Franken early

I think they should give it to Al.

Yep.  What better way to say that Congress is a joke that putting Al Franken in the Senate.

Wait, didn’t they already do that with Ted Kennedy?

But he’s brain dead.

And this is some sudden change?

Australia Says It May Accept Guantánamo Bay Detainees

And they should fit in there quite nicely.

I’m getting a vision of suicide bomber kangaroos.

It’ll go away if you cut back on the Scotch intake.

I can live with it.

New Year’s Eve car burnings up in France

I can’t believe the French had a good idea.

I can’t believe the French can figure out how to strike a match.

They probably out sourced the work.

Still, letting gangs of roaming lunatics burn cars at random sounds like a cheaper way of saving our auto industry than letting Congress solve the problem.

Sounds like more fun too.

Maybe we should let gangs of roaming lunatics burn Congress members?

Can’t argue with that.

Nope.

Karl Lagerfeld defends fur industry saying ‘beasts’ would kill us if we didn’t kill them

Can’t argue with that.  Remember that rabbit that almost got Carter?

Or the deer that kicked the crap out of that guy on When Animals Attack.

I wonder what kind of critter is going to make an attempt on Obama?

Probably whatever dog they buy for use as a publicity gimmick.

French warship thwarts Somali pirate attack…

God, how embarrassing that had to be!

And the winner of the worst pirates of the year goes to…

Ship to ship taunting.  At least the French are keeping up their military development.

COMIC KATHY LASHES OUT AT HECKLER ON CNN

And in the most surprising news flash ever – Kathy Griffin is still a drunk whore!

I heard she gave up booze and switched to crack.

Heroin.

Crack AND heroin.

I heard she tried to ball the ball.

I heard she came on to Bill Clinton and he passed her up for a night with Hillary.

I heard he passed her up for a night with Al Gore.

Inauguration Madness

Join us, won’t you…

For another exciting episode of;

Now, I know that you guys have heard the rumor, started by the likes of Pat Robertson, that aside from being spawned under a rock, in Richard Nixon’s Western White House garden, I’m also illiterate, and don’t read too good, either…

But…

Chicago Sun-Times columnist Mary Mitchell reports that among the guests at Barack Obama’s inauguration may be three boys from Los Angeles County, California, who broke into a house and beat up the old lady inside. Doctors said that the “old lady” was beaten so severely, that authorities feared she might suffer permanent brain damage.

No, I’m not kidding. This has actually been verified, through “reliable sources.”

The little bastards… um… er… perps are inmates at Camp Afflerbaugh in LaVerne, Calif., a program for juvenile offenders that aims “to reunify the minor and family, to reintegrate the minor into the community and to assist the minor in achieving a productive, crime free life.”

In other words, it’s a summer camp for under-aged felons, who aren’t old enough to be sent to prison, where they belong.

An Afflerbaugh employee tells Mitchell, in the columnist’s words, “that on Thursday, the minors were taken to be measured for tuxedos and that a judge has approved the trip”:

That same employee was heard to exclaim; “Merry Christmas to all, and to all…” Wait… that’s not it… “I can’t believe that they would do that for three criminals who assaulted an old lady in her home!”

What in the hell is Obama thinking?

These “youth boot camps” are usually run by hard-nosed jarheads who love to entertain the troops, while they bludgeon them into shape. I can just hear the exercise chants now…

“Kill your neighbors, harm your friend,  you’ll get to the White House in the end…”

Of all the kids Obama’s people could have chosen to help celebrate Obama’s inauguration, they choose three street thugs who tried to kill a senior citizen during a home invasion robbery. What the hell is this world coming to?

(Picture lexinator shaking his head…)

And for the curious, or the Republicans, among you… this isn’t an “Obama” thing, it’s a “stupidity” thing…

“The times, they are a changin…” Christmas!

Remember way back when, when you were a kid, and “Santa’s Appearance” loomed large in your tiny little sugar fueled cranium? Well, do ya, punk?

I remember wanting a bike, a new telescope, and something that didn’t resemble my mother’s cooking… anything. That woman couldn’t cook her way out of a paper bag!

But folks, times are changing faster than you can say “Obama’s yo mama!”

Kids just aren’t the same anymore. They used to want GI Joe’s, and Hot Wheels, and (gasp!) puppies. Now, they want guns, bombs, and weapons of mass destruction.

And this means that even the Christmas Carols must change…

“All I want for Christmas is my blued front peep (sight)…”

And to think I can remember when Santa didn’t even approve of Red Rider BB Guns because, “You’ll shoot your eye out.”

But fear not! Help is on the way! (Courtesy of the St. Louis Dispatch!)

Happy Hunting, you little bastards! Oy Vay!

Gotta go now, Rudolph needs basting…

Ho-ho-ho!

I want THIS for Christmas!

Last night, as visions of bailouts danced in my head, like mutated Ford shaped sugarplums, I started thinking that, at the rate things are going, we may never have a new American-made car in the driveway again! The US Automakers claim they’re going broke, and they want billions of taxpayer bucks so that they can continue building the same old shoddy, over-priced products that got them into this predicament in the first place!

My 1990 GMC pickup may be old, but I got it free because some relative died, and I’m pretty sure it could take whatever rolled off the Detroit assembly lines this year in a demolition derby.

Buddy, I’ve seen your truck!  It looks like it’s already BEEN in a demolition derby. I’m surprised the cops let you drive that death-trap around town! LOL!

Now, I know you’re gasping at my seemingly un-American position here, but think about it for a minute. I admit, I love American cars. Nothing is finer than a million horsepower, wrapped in Detroit steel, with Pink Floyd blaring in the background!

But… many “other” companies build cars here, now. And they’re NOT going broke. In fact, some of them are making pretty good cash. And, they’re building pretty good cars, too.

They’re broke because their managers didn’t have the balls to stand up to the UAW.  Damn Yankees.  You should also take notice that the car companies that are doing fine are located in the South.

Of course the successful car companies are located in the south! That’s where all the baling wire, and empty beer cans are! Duh!

So, I turned on the news this morning, only to find out that the Automakers had returned to Washington DC, looking for an even bigger handout than before. You’d think that after they got their asses handed to them for flying into DC in private jets, and then being delivered to the doorstep by limousine, they’d have put on beggar’s clothing, and settled for whatever the powers that be would toss in their direction.

I think they were taking turns under the Committee’s table.  Since they still haven’t been paid, they obviously weren’t very good.

TMI! TMI! I guess that explains that old rumor; “Nothing sucks like being a politician…” And now I understand all those “intern/page” stories coming out of DC… LOL!

You’d think that, but you’d be wrong! As I sat there shaking my head in my “bailout induced stupor,” my wife reminded me that once again, the kid had consumed all the milk in the house. So, although deeply troubled by the economic state of the union, I headed out, eager to make the Walton clan even richer… before the baby started crying.

I just got a $1,500 bill for getting my tractor back in working order, so where’s my Government money!?  I need it more than the damn auto companies, and if you don’t believe me just try loading a 5′ x 5′ bail of hay by hand.

Hey, a knuckle-dragger like you shouldn’t have any trouble toting a decent sized hay bale around. Don’t you get bailouts in the form of “farm subsidies” for that kinda stuff? I mean, aren’t farmers rich?

So, I spent the morning watching kids run through the aisles of WalMart, screaming like little demons;

“I want this! I want that!”

Ah, those were the days…

When you get older, it’s harder to figure out what you really want, and buying gifts for that “special someone” get trickier. After all, nothing sucks more gas than a Christmas Stocking filled with odor-eater athletic socks… lemme tell you!

It’s not harder when you’re older, unless you take the right pills.

I’d say it’s also easier to know what you really want as the years pile up – TO BE YOUNGER!

Okay, so correct me if I’m seeing this wrong. You’re saying we should wish to be younger, and be on medication? I already did that, in the 70’s! I miss the 70’s…

Speaking of “sucking gas…”

Here’s a lil sucker I’d love to see in my stocking, come Christmas morning!  The Acrea Zest is a little plastic car available in Europe.

It’s made of PLASTIC! No kidding!

And those who drive it deserve to die.

No, they deserve to zoom around thumbing their noses at the rest of the smog-belching traffic. Oh wait… then they’d be FRENCH. Never mind…

It has no top at all, and the floors are drilled out to allow the rain (and probably “passenger pee-pee,” from fright!) to pass right through, onto the pavement…

And that works great in Memphis, for at least 5 days a year.  Beyond that it’s either too hot or too cold to drive a topless car.  Besides, that tiny thing couldn’t possibly carry a powerful enough sound system to let you hear the music over the wind noise.

So get a jacket, a tank top, or an iPod, you dolt! You can do it… I know you can! And, you’d  have all that extra money, to keep that money-pit of a tractor of yours running…

Now, I’m not sure how environmentalists are gonna feel about using your car to distribute your body fluids throughout the neighborhood, on your way home from a night of drinking beer and playing darts with the boys, but…

According to press releases, this lil beauty is built out of recycled plastic. You know, like empty 2 liter bottles of soda, water, and booze… so it’s environmentally friendly. So, this baby weighs about 1/3 that of a “typical” vehicle. Because it’s so light, it has a tiny little gas engine that gets 66 miles per gallon, and has a top speed of 65+ miles per hour. It’s built “symmetrically,” so it can also do over 60 MPH in reverse!

This is SWEET! They go for around $16,400 (US), and I think I want one for Christmas! What can I say? I admit it… Even though I’m Jewish, I “double-dip.”

Are you listening, Santa? HELLO?

Just like you Jews – always trying to double up.

Don’t be hatin’! You’re just jealous because we know a good thing when we see it…

Okay… Maybe not. The last time I did 60 MPH in a plastic vehicle, my jackass of a father was dragging me behind his pickup truck in my wagon. While I screamed like a little girl, he hollered that it was “to teach me a life lesson.”

I’m still not positive what that “lesson” actually was, but I suspect that it had something to do with the dangers of dragging a little kid behind your truck at 60 MPH after you’ve been drinking scotch all morning. All I know is that I’m still picking the gravel out of my knees!

Thanks dad… You Bastard!

Come on!  Your dad was cool!  Mine never spent any quality time with me at all, and his idea of a wild time was having half a beer with supper.  Give me the wagon pull any day.

And I happen to know that Mister Manly has enough empty plastic Scotch bottles in his backyard, to build a fleet of these. So Santa, if you run outta material… LOL!

Damn straight and growing daily!  And I will gladly trade them to the Big Three in equal exchange for full bottles.  Oh, and blow jobs for my gay friends.

Exactly how many gay friends do you have? After all, those billions the Big Three are trying to panhandle would equal how many blow-jobs? I’m not sure that there are that many gay men in America! Better buy them some chapstick, too!

And they do too come with tops!  There’s a hardtop model, a soft-top model, and even a topless… um… er… never mind. And there’s even a “camouflage” version. Admit it, you know you want one,  if only to zoom around and scare your livestock!

And, I suspect that if GM had built a few of these babies, they wouldn’t be broke...

Perhaps, but they would be in court.